1.19 "Hot Dogs"

Aired Apr 19, 2005

Quotes

• Veronica: Bob sells a house for $136,000. If he makes 5% commission for every house he sells, how much money did Bob earn on this sale?

  Weevil: All I know is, if your boy Bob only gets 5%, um, he's pushin' the wrong product.

• Keith: Honey, do I need to recap my Concerned Dad lectures? No running with scissors, no candy from strangers, no smartening up the local criminal element.

• Veronica: I'll be at home. With the only sane member of the Mars family.

  Keith: The one who eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds?

  Veronica: That's the one.

• Mandy: You're Veronica Mars, right?

  Veronica: Sometimes.

  Mandy: Do you think I could, like, hire you, or something? To help me find my dog?

  Veronica: That depends. Was he cheating on you?

• Leo: I haven't heard from you in a couple days. About to show up at your place with my tools of restraint.

  Veronica: Wouldn't recommend it. Dad usually likes to have a guy to dinner at least once before he cuffs me.

• Leo: What is it about bad boys?

  Veronica: Um, tattoos, leather, parole violations. Total good-girl bait.

  Leo: I'm doomed.

• Weevil: No. Look, uh, the Kanes want me crucified for this and now that I'm 18... Veronica: Good-bye juvie. Hello community soap.

• Mandy: Now I see how crappy mine was.

  Veronica: It was heartfelt crappy.

• Logan: Push in on our hero. Natural light frames his handsome, weathered face as he passes sage advice to his doting daughter. The music swells. [Imitates Yoda] Important your family is. Hm, hm.

• Trina: Good morning, bro. Pop tart?

  Logan: Hm, a tart from a tart.

  Trina: He of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something?

  Logan: Hm. Will you look at that? There was a string attached to my pop tart.

• Logan: Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hm, I wonder who had that in the pool?

• Trina: My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago and...now he's bugging me about it. I, I can't get him off my back. Logan: Did you try standing up?

• Veronica: You prank-call Mandy?

  Lenny: What if I did?

  Veronica: Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo! You're gonna die friendless and alone.

  Lenny: Hey, everybody knows you're the biggest —

  Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage over your nose. If you use Mandy again to try to convince yourself that you're not a loser, I will ruin your life — got it? You got it?

• Mandy: I can't believe you did that.

  Veronica: I can't believe that you didn't. If you want people to leave you alone, Mandy, or better yet, treat you with respect, demand it. Make them.

• Celeste: I know you think I hate you but I don't. I just can't stand to look at you.

• Wallace: I walked in on 'em making out on the couch last night. She was sittin' on his lap.

  Veronica: Hey, hey, hey! No discussing parental PDA at lunch! It's your rule!

  Wallace: Sorry. I can't be the only one with that image burned in my brain. I had to share.

• Wallace: So I'm your brother?

  Veronica: I didn't mean brother like, brother. I meant brother like... [doing a funky head wave] you know.

• Veronica: Oh crap.

• Veronica Voiceover: And it's time for the international language of...

• Veronica: Sure. Let's play dirty charades with the gringa.

• Veronica Voiceover: So there's a dog man who hires these guys to return dogs. He drives a white van, or maybe a white horse, and he likes to spank busty women. Basically, that's any male living in Neptune.

• Veronica: Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help?

• Aaron: Oh, hey son. How was school?

• Logan: I loved Lilly and Lilly loved guys.

• Veronica: What are we doing? Logan: No idea.

• Lilly: Oh my gosh, look what I found in my cereal box this morning. It's a spy pen. Veronica: What's a spy pen? Veronica: How covert ops of you! Lilly: I'm gonna use it to pass secret messages to all of my lovahs. Veronica: This is going to be a very busy little pen.

• Veronica: Trust me, you don't want to date me. I'm a train wreck. Seriously. The-the first guy I ever loved just dropped off the face of the earth, probably because of something I said, and the last guy I dated turned out to be a drug dealer, and I just made out with my dead best friend's boyfriend, who, incidentally, I hate. So. Train wreck.

• Leo: Please. Don't tell me how sweet I am.

  Veronica: Well, you're also seriously hot so you'll be single for about three and a half seconds.

  Leo: See. Now that's more helpful.

• Leo: So, my response is supposed to be what? Thanks?

  Veronica: Probably overshooting a bit, huh? You could tell me that you understand.

• Leo: And that we could still be friends?

  Veronica: That'd be cool...'cause I need to follow this confession by asking for a favour.

• Leo: Please. Resist arrest, please.

• Veronica: Can I ask you kind of a weird question?

  Leo: Do you ask any other kind of questions?

• Veronica: All this time you've had Lilly Kane research in a box marked "Playboys" in the closet?

  Keith: Well, I figured it'd be safe there. It's the closed files, it's just the non-essential stuff.

  Veronica: You think you're slick, don't you?

  Keith: Only 'cause I am.