3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer"

Aired May 15, 2007

Quotes

• Keith: What does the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act make illegal?

  Veronica: Electronic surveillance without judicial authorization.

  Piz: What was that?

  Veronica: I'm taking my P.I. exam tomorrow. He's ensuring his legacy.

  Piz: He's nervous for you. That's sweet.

  Veronica: He should be nervous for himself. I'm gonna beat his score. Then I'm gonna dine on that shared knowledge for a lifetime.

• Keith: So, Piz, what are you studying? Apollo...

  Piz: Bukenya. Yeah, he actually goes to Hearst, and he wrote this, uh, memoir, I guess you'd call it.

  Keith: What could a college kid possibly have to put in a memoir? Surviving Spring Break on ten bucks a day?

  Piz: He was a child soldier in Uganda. He never knew his father. The rebel army killed his mother; put a gun in his hand when he was six years old.

  Keith: Oh.

  Piz: Somehow he managed to escape as a teenager and get to the States. I'm interviewing him on my radio show tomorrow, and I'm just prepping.

  Veronica: The book's already been optioned as a movie, middle six figures. Plus, he's been booked on Oprah, but Piz got him first. ...What?

  Keith: It's just so refreshing to hear one of your gentleman callers have more to talk about than how high the waves are breaking.

• Veronica: You realize you're the radio-host version of a rock star, right? I don't know what the groupie procedure is for this scenario, but I might have to throw my panties at you.

  Piz: Or I could autograph you. I believe we have some sharpies laying around.

• Veronica: Ninety-five. Keith: You passed. Veronica: Yeah, I passed. And I beat your score by two points. But don't worry, Dad. I'll still lob in the token call from time to time asking for advice, thereby validating your existence. Keith: Honey? Veronica: Yeah? Keith: I made a ninety-seven. Veronica: It's beneath you to lie to me in this, my finest hour. Keith: Are you at your desk? Veronica: No. Keith: Are you at my desk? Veronica: Yes. Keith: Then this will be easy. Pull out my middle drawer. I had a feeling this moment would come. You see it there? Veronica: Yep. Keith: Sweetie, maybe you should go sit back down at the receptionist's desk.

• Veronica: What?

  Wallace: It's like the NBA. Fatherless boy makes good, the dough starts rolling in, and here comes long-lost daddy expecting a payday.

  Veronica: It's not the same thing.

  Wallace: The world is upside down. Veronica Mars wants to believe in miracles, and I'm the cynical one.

• Veronica: Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes, getting to second base with someone, then left unsatisfied.

  Wallace: He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.

• Keith: Tommy, I'm curious. How is it that you found yourself in possession of jewelry reported stolen from two separate homes? The owner of Brody's Pawn said you were quite anxious to unload said merchandise.

  Cliff: Don't answer that.

  Keith: Can you tell me where you were two nights ago between nine and eleven?

  Cliff: Don't answer that.

  Keith: I was so fond of you when I was a private detective.

  Cliff: Then I hope you'll understand why you shouldn't expect my vote in the upcoming election?

• Pizza Guy: How you guys doing? Mac: I'm wearing a different shirt, just so you know. Pizza Guy: Uh-huh.

• Veronica: Boning up on your South American culture? Conversational Portuguese, perhaps? If you're gonna be that close to Rio—

  Logan: How do you know about my trip?

  Veronica: Parker mentioned it.

  Logan: Did my fan club meet today? Thought you guys only met on Wednesdays.

  Veronica: Look, she was bummed you didn't tell her about the trip.

  Logan: And you took turns sticking pins in your Logan dolls?

• Piz: Crack her open. We're celebrating. I was offered another internship.

  Veronica: People are just falling all over themselves to not pay you.

• Mac: It's not the ethics of what Max is doing that bothers me. At least I can rationalize that away, 'cause I had it filed away in my head as a college lark, a unique way for a philosophy major to make some extra cash. And in its own way, it showed all these qualities I admire. He's dedicated, he's got a keen business sense...and, let's face it, he's-he's good at what he does.

  Veronica: Help people cheat.

  Mac: Yeah, that. But today, when he said he was flunking out of school and he didn't care, he was just gonna get an off-campus apartment next year and keep doing what he does, it was like looking into a crystal ball, and I didn't like what I saw.

  Veronica: What did you see?

  Mac: Me falling completely in love with him, losing all reason, ending up hosting candle parties and selling family heirlooms on eBay.

• Mac: Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days?

  Veronica: Mmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents.

  Mac: So Pizneyland is the happiest place on earth?

  Veronica: Happy enough. There's no roller coaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea.

• Veronica: You must be Kizza. Kizza: Yes, uh, I'm looking for Detective Mars. Veronica: I'm Detective Mars. Kizza: You're just a girl. You're a-you're a teenager. Veronica: A girl, a teenager, and a private detective. I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

• Logan: I want to talk to you...about the surf trip.

  Parker: Fine. Kissing is cheating, and what I don't know will hurt me.

• Dick: Dad? What, they just let you in my room?

  Big Dick: Well, I am paying for it, after all.

  Dick: Really? I thought hundreds of saps who invested in your company were paying for it. I feel better about myself already.

• Big Dick: I, uh...I turned myself in. My lawyer made all the arrangements. I have a couple months before my incarceration. Uh, tired of running, Dick. I want to pay my debt to society and get it over with.

  Dick: And what kind of debt did your lawyer negotiate?

  Big Dick: A year.

  Dick: That's exactly what this biker I went to high school with got for stealing the Huntingtons' lawn jockey. It's good to be the king, huh?

  Big Dick: You know, I'll consider our societal flaws during my yard time in the big house.

• Veronica: My point is...there's not going to be a movie of Soldier of Misfortune. There's not going to be a big check. I suspect Oprah may tear Apollo a new one on national TV.

• Vinnie: Anyway, what can I do for you, Keith?

  Keith: I don't suppose, Vinnie, you've noticed that there's a criminal element in town that would really love to see you as sheriff.

  Vinnie: Oh, what can I say? I'm a walking big tent party. Must be why the girls from the secretarial pool gave me that nickname.