Reasons Why You Should Watch Veronica Mars
A non-fan: What's the show about?
A fan: It's a show about a teen detective...
A non-fan: Wait, it's a teen detective show? That sounds stupid.
A fan: Yes, the premise sounds stupid, but the brilliant writing by Rob Thomas....
A non-fan: Wait, why is the lead singer from matchbox twenty writing a TV show?
A fan: Not that Rob Thomas, the other one. You know, the guy who wrote Rats Saw God, Cupid...
A non-fan: Cupid? Never heard of it.
A fan: Well, neither did the Nielsen gods. Stupid ABC. As I was saying, Rob Thomas and the entire cast and crew have done an amazing job creating a whip-smart, snarky, broken-hearted heroine in this witty, layered show that constantly rewards the fans for paying attention to little details. Every little line, and every little scene offers clues about the mystery of the week, the overarching mysteries, the characters and their relationships with each other. It's one of the most critically-acclaimed shows of the season.
A non-fan: Well if it's as good as you say it is, why haven't I heard of it?
A fan: Well, it's on The CW...
A non-fan: The CW!! Ha! HA! HA! You expect me to watch a show on The CW?
A fan: I know, I know. I felt the exact same way. If someone would have asked me, which is more likely to happen: the Red Sox winning the World Series, one of the best shows of the season airing on The CW, or scientists proving yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, I would have, without any hesitation, picked the fat guy in the big red suit.
A non-fan: Come on, do you honestly expect me to watch a show on The CW?
A fan: I know, I know. But Kristen Bell, who plays the title character of Veronica Mars, is just absolutely phenomenal. She can make you bust a gut laughing one minute, and break your heart the next, just by tilting her head.
A non-fan: But it's on The CW.
A fan: I know, I know. But the dialogue on the show is the wittiest since Buffy.
A non-fan: Wait, is this the show that all the critics are saying is the next Buffy?
A fan: Yes. Almost every single review compares this show to Buffy. Diehard Buffy fans at whedonesque.com admitted that if they had to choose between saving Veronica Mars or Marti Noxon's Point Pleasant from cancellation, they would overwhelming, and without any hesitation, choose to save Veronica Mars. Joss Whedon even said it was the "Best. Show. Ever."
A non-fan: Then I'm definitely not going to watch it. I hated Buffy.
A fan: Oh...then...uh...the show is nothing like Buffy. Nothing at all. The only reason the critics are making all the Buffy comparisons is because both shows have a blonde, high-school age, not-part-of-the-in-crowd, female lead. Other than that, these two shows don't have anything in common. There aren't any vampires, or demons or witches. Unless of course you count Trina Echolls but she's not so much a witch, as she is a...not-so-nice person.
A non-fan: But it's on...
A fan: Okay, listen, do you like witty, snarky humor?
A non-fan: Yes.
A fan: Do you like flashbacks that advance the storyline instead of stall it?
A non-fan: Yes, of course I do. Who doesn't?
A fan: daytime snark, primetime snark, old primetime snark
A fan: Do you like consistent character development?
A non-fan: Yes.
A fan: Do you like a writing team that rewards the audience for paying attention to subtle little details?
A non-fan: Yes.
A fan: Do you like mystery shows that actually have character development?
A non-fan: Yes.
A fan: Then what are you waiting for? I know the premise sounds silly and I know it's on The CW but you should really give the show a chance. TV Guide once called Veronica Mars the best show you're not watching. I know Tuesdays nights at 9 is a really tough timeslot...
A non-fan: Wait, it comes on at Tuesdays nights at 9? Then I definitely can't watch it.
A fan: Why? Do you watch House?
How will this story end? Will our hero succeed in converting a new fan or will the non-fan just file a restraining order against this nut? Will we have a happily ever after or will the ending be mired in pain, darkness, and violence? According to Rob Thomas, it depends on which network you're on. So tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of "Fan vs. Non-fan: The Quest for Another Season."
Or you can just click on the links below if you're that impatient.
[The following endings may contain gratuitous sarcasm, sex, violence, and porn.]
1. Happily-ever-after, if-this-show-aired-on-any-other-major-network type of ending
2. The CW-gives-Rob-Thomas-a-lot-of-freedom-to-do-what he-wants type of ending
3. Imagine-if-this-show-aired-on-HBO-like-Rob-Thomas-initially-intended type ending
A non-fan: I'm a huge House fan. I just don't have time to watch another show.
A fan: Here's a picture of the cast.
A non-fan: Dude, they're HOT!
A fan: I KNOW!
A non-fan: Forget about that grumpy, pretend-not-to-be-British doctor, I'm switching over to the HOT teen detective.
A non-fan: I'm a huge House fan. Look I'm sorry, I'm sure Veronica Mars is a great show, but I just don't the equipment to watch two different shows at the same time.
A fan: Ok, ok, ok. [begins to wallow]
A non-fan: Are you done now, because I have to go home soon. They're installing one of those Nielsen boxes today.
A fan: Wait, you've been selected as a Nielsen family?
A non-fan: Yeah, kinda cool right?
A fan: [Upon hearing this news, my mind races over what do to next, and I think to myself "What would Veronica Mars do?" The answer suddenly hits me. I stop my wallowing, copy down the non-fan's license plate number, find out where the non-fan lives, call one of my electronic-genius friends to build me a fake Nielsen box, break into the non-fan's house, replace the newly-installed Nielsen box with my non-functioning replica, and hook up the real Nielsen box to my TV at home. Hey, I'm already headed for the Big House for taking part in a counterfeit money scheme as part of the quest for another season. I might was well tack on a few more years for stealing. A long time ago, I used to be sane.]
[Disclaimer: This site does not condone breaking and entering, stealing Nielsen boxes, or committing ratings fraud. We might high five you and offer to buy you a round of drinks, but would never, ever publicly condone something so "criminal" or "unethical." ]
You clicked on the HBO link looking for porn, didn't you? You little pervert.
A non-fan: Why would I watch those shows? Related is the greatest show ever.
A fan: [I know you can't see it because you are just reading a transcript, but if you were there, you would be amazed at how I was able to both roll my eyes so far back that I could actually see the back of my skull, yet at the same time give that non-fan the coldest death stare since Hillary Clinton's "Chelsea and I might be going to on vacation with you, but there's no way I'm going to stand next you and hold your 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' hand as we walk to the White House helicopter."] Ok, ok, ok, I give up, I realize a lost cause when I see one.
A non-fan: Good, because I have to go home soon. They're installing one of those Nielsen boxes on my TiVo today.
A fan: Wait, you've been selected as a Nielsen family?
A non-fan: Yeah, kinda cool right?
A fan: [Upon hearing this news, my mind races over what do to next, and I think to myself "What would Veronica Mars do?" The answer suddenly hits me. I karate chop and taser the [bleep], stuff the [bleeping bleep] into the trunk of my LeBaron, break into the [bleeping bleeper]'s house, and watch the [bleep]'s satellite TV. And in an effort to raise the ratings, I have the TiVo set so I'm watching nothing but Veronica Mars all day, every day. Oh please, stop looking at me like that. I'll let the [bleeping bleepity bleep] out of the trunk once Veronica Mars is picked up for another season. As I keep telling my parole officer, ethics are reserved for shows with guaranteed renewal; the rest of us have to be more creative in our quest for another season. A long time ago, I used to be sane.]
[Disclaimer: This site does not condone violence against non-Veronica Mars fans or fans of Related. We much prefer the Way of the Mars, which is strapping them down to watch Veronica Mars until they are hooked. Research indicates that this strategy will only take one episode to succeed.]