3.07 "Of Vice and Men"

Aired Nov 14, 2006

Quotes

• Keith: Where are you staying these days? If I can be so bold. You didn't come home last night. I called Logan's room at the Grand. He...said he didn't know where you were. Thing is, I think he was telling the truth.

  Veronica: I didn't come home last night, you didn't come home the night before that...

  Keith: That's what this is about? Don't you think we should talk?

  Veronica: Do you? Wallace is letting me stay in his dorm room until he and his roommate get back from their weekend...cramming Paper Chase-style at some motel out in Twentynine Palms. Come on, Dad. I thought you'd be happy.

  Keith: Happy?

  Veronica: Now you can have your new...married girlfriend over and you two can...I don't know, go crazy.

• Veronica: How long have you been standing there, Piz? I might expect a tip. Piz: Just, like, two seconds. Veronica: What are you doing here? Piz: Oh, that, yeah. Uh, I live here. This is my room. That's my bed. You remember my guitar. That's where it gently weeps. Veronica: You're supposed to be cramming in a motel, like in The Paper Chase? Piz: You mean The Shining? All work and no play makes Wallace psychotic.

• Piz: A year of finishing school; what are you gonna do?

• Landry: And one final item of business...your end-of-term research paper. Oh, yes. Your assignment: to plan the perfect murder.

  Veronica Voiceover: From the guy who couldn't plan an affair with the dean's wife.

  Landry: Yes, Miss Starr?

  Miss Starr: Does it matter who the victim is?

  Landry: That is entirely at the killer's discretion. Though I may say, in years past, I've made a popular target.

• Veronica: You tell me your friend couldn't have raped a girl because he was with you this summer. Then you won't tell me what you were doing or why you can't come forward to provide an alibi, so how exactly do you propose to make things right? Are you gonna hypnotize me?

  Logan: I don't know. I was hoping your desire to find the real rapist might outweigh your need to drag me over the coals.

  Veronica: Who says I can't do both?

• Veronica: How bad does your alibi have to be if Mercer would rather stay in jail than divulge it? Huh? Maybe I don't want to know what you were up to.

  Logan: When have you ever not wanted to know anything?

• Logan: Your dad called me last night. He woke me up wanting to know where you were.

  Veronica: Is that so?

  Logan: So, where are you staying these days?

  Veronica: It's better for everyone if that secret stays that way. ...Is that how it works? Did I get the inflection right?

• Veronica: Still no word, huh?

  Meryl: I think we should go to the police.

  Veronica: Not yet. It hasn't been forty-eight hours. College boy isn't around when his high school girlfriend shows up? The sheriff would laugh you out of there.

  Meryl: I don't get it. Why would he laugh?

  Veronica: Because the sheriff is a moron.

• Veronica: Nobody willing to spoon you? Mercer: Uh, no one volunteered. Veronica: Well, you know what they say in the big house: if you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair. Let's rock.

• Veronica: Care to share what you two free-spirited lads were up to? I'll give you a hint. It was squalid.

  Mercer: Logan has good reason to keep that to himself. But you shouldn't worry. He's a solid guy. I mean, I'd want him to be my boyfriend if I swung that way.

  Veronica: Give it time. You just got here.

• Meryl: Look, I was just thinking. Sully told me that in his physics class, they're working with lasers. So, what if Sully accidentally discovered some new technology, you know, like some kind of laser cannon that could assassinate people from space or something? He could be running from, I don't know, sinister forces!

  Veronica: Have you ever heard of Occam's razor, Meryl?

  Meryl: Is that a space laser? Has it already been invented?

• Harmony: I just came by to make sure your phone was working okay.

  Keith: It's fine. I know because I've picked it up a dozen times and listened to the dial tone...

• Vinnie: Nice-looking lady.

  Keith: Vinnie. To what do I owe...this?

  Vinnie: You know that show Let's Make a Deal, where they make...deals? Well, the Fitzpatrick boys have me on retainer. I practically have an office down there and they got this crazy idea that little Miss Kendall Casablancas owes them money and that you know where the money's hidden. Now, a word of advice,
  Keith: don't owe the Fitzpatricks money. So, what if...instead of me expending a lot of energy tracking it down, we split the retainer? It's as easy as you whispering an address in my ear.

  Keith: I don't know where Kendall is. Sorry, Vinnie.

  Vinnie: No biggie. That's cool. Let's peek behind door number two. Now, this is not a value judgment, Keith, 'cause, believe me...I have been there. I mean, there was this one married lady, smokin' hot blonde. Cried all day and ashed Pall Malls all over my couch, but, man, could she lay the lumber. Now, this one you got, though, I mean, a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

  Keith: What do you want?

  Vinnie: Well, first, you could acknowledge the artistry here. I mean, you remember how dark it was. Open aperture, full zoom from across the street. Steadiest hands in the biz.

  Keith: Why are you here, Vinnie? Money?

  Vinnie: The girl at the Fotomat used to call me the human tripod. ...Wait. That's something else.

• Piz: There's a girl in my bed. Veronica: Yeah, buddy. It took a double shot of night-time cold medicine to get her down. It also stopped her sniffling. She's pretty worked up about her boyfriend. Piz: Understandable, but, um, where am I sleeping? Veronica: Play your cards right...the floor. Piz: Keith Richards wouldn't sleep on the floor. Veronica: Probably true.

• Logan: Something tells me this isn't a booty call.

  Veronica: I got what you need to get Mercer out of jail. It's yours, Logan. No one has to know where you were that night...no one except me.

  Logan: Can you leave it alone? Can you trust me?

  Veronica: No, I can't. I'm not built that way.

  Logan: Who gets blackmailed by his girlfriend? Oh, I guess I do.

• Veronica: Of all the gin joints in all the cities in all the world.

• Veronica: We'll get help. We'll call the sheriff.

  Meryl: You mean the moron?

  Veronica: He's a well-armed moron.

• Vinnie: Say "cheese"! Click! Got it and send. Hey, Keith Mars is gonna love this one, Liam! Think of his face when he opens up this e-mail. Up high! ...All right. Ooh, better yet, how about one of you licking her face?

• Vinnie: Ooh, sweet new ride. Hybrid, right? I'm waiting for the hybrid Camaro.

• Veronica: Hey, you didn't really send that picture message to my dad, did you?

  Vinnie: Well, if I did, it was a miracle. The phone didn't have a camera on it.

• Lamb: Hey! No touching!

• Veronica: Hey, what are you still doing here? Didn't Logan—

  Mercer: Yeah. He came by and talked to the sheriff last night. Thanks, by the way.

  Veronica: Why are you still here?

  Mercer: Oh, there's something about my attitude the sheriff has found lacking. He's decided to keep me here as long as he's allowed under law. Uh, Logan's picking me up for breakfast tomorrow, if you want to come with.

  Veronica: Doubtful.

• Veronica Voiceover: So, what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith.