3.16 "Un-American Graffiti"
Aired May 01, 2007
Logan: Here. I hate to think of you under-decaffeinated.
Veronica: It's 8am. Shouldn't you be in a wet suit somewhere?
Logan: Early Poly Sci.
Veronica: And you're actually going?
Logan: Yeah. I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colours.
Veronica: A highlighter!
Logan: Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down. How 'bout you?
Veronica: Uh, "Violence in Early Adolescence."
Logan: Ah. Need me to autograph your textbook?
Logan: Hey, by the way, I'm throwing a birthday party for Parker this weekend. I was studying up; I watched My Super Sweet 16. Which reminds me, you don't know where I can get a dozen eunuchs, do you?
Veronica: Not offhand. I could make some calls.
Veronica: Not a great time to be Arab in America.
Rashad: Twenty years we've been in this country! Huh? Twenty years, we've been Americans. I make Yankee Doodle damn Dandy.
Keith: Look at these ads. "Two for Tuesday," "It's Raining Gin," "Dollar Shots Night"...
Veronica: Let me change first. Man, you party hard.
Keith: "Bucket 'O Beer Bonanza"... You have any idea if they're known for underage drinking?
Veronica: Famous for is more like it. It's nicknamed The Cake for how easy it is to get in but most of the campus area bars are pretty lax...from what I've heard, 'cause the only buckets I order come in original and extra crispy.
Keith: I want surprise checks in every one of these bars tonight.
Deputy Gills: Looks like my credit card statement.
Veronica: I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI.
Ronald: You're a girl.
Veronica: Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency?
Veronica: Well put, Ronald. We need fireman, too.
Stoner: Dude, she shot you.
Veronica: Keep up, Towlie.
Veronica: So I'm straight. Your defence is that you shoot everyone, not just Arabs.
Dick: Check it out. Two hot chicks I met on MySpace. Both in play. Both eager to meet the Dickster face-to-face. Question. And I need you to dig deep here. Which one do I invite?
Logan: Um...hmm. Lazy eye might work to your advantage.
Dick: Ha! Trick question! Just goes to show how whipped you are. The correct answer is "both."
Logan: And if they both show?
Dick: Then I do a quick heat check. Whichever's engine's running hotter gets Dick.
Mac: Bronson and I went on a hike this morning. I'm wiped.
Veronica: A hike? You?
Veronica: Morning? You?
Mac: I wanted to see what it was like.
Mac: It's sunny.
Mac: It just takes me back to high school. Remember, Logan? We stood at the same lunch table and made fun of all the fat kids.
Logan: I'm sorry. We went to the same high school?
Mac: Uh, yeah. We ran over that fisherman and promised to take the secret to our graves.
Logan: I remember the fisherman.
Mac: Remember? You bet your friends you could turn me into a super hot prom date as a joke, but you ended up falling in love with me?
Logan: Nope. Lost it.
Veronica: You know me. If there's a birthday party, I'm wearing a pointy hat.
Veronica: What do you say I swing by your place early, and you hit me on the head with a hammer a couple times before we go.
Mac: Not that I wouldn't love to finally cross that off my to-do list, I promised Parker and Logan that I'd help them set up.
Wallace: I thought you were going to Yoyo Taco on Saturday.
Piz: Yo La Tengo.
Veronica Voiceover: Okay. Peeping Tom in a tree takes off on a bike. I feel like I stumbled into a Benny Hill sketch.
Veronica: Hi, um, my boyfriend is a tad embarrassed to pick up the photos we just dropped off. There are a few special-moments-with-special-friends type shots. Men! It's all rah-rah-rah until you find yourself in an all night phot-mat.
Veronica: It's like I'm dating a young Omar Sharif. Desert fever, what are you going to do?
Wallace: Hey, it's worth losing twenty bucks just to talk to her.
Piz: We came here for me, remember?
Wallace: Yeah, that was before I saw her.
Piz: I got twenty bucks that says you can whip my ass and make me like it.
Miranda: Well, I do like a confident man.
Amira: If I didn't mind being treated as property, he might be tempting.
Keith: Last time I saw you, you were nineteen, and that was...just a couple weeks ago.
Veronica Voiceover: Generally the satisfaction of nailing someone for a crime like this is its own reward. So where's the sugar rush of sweet justice I should be feeling right now?
Keith: What do you say we head out? Have a few beers?
Piz: It's one of those trick questions, isn't it?
Keith: I've got some new IDs for you. Wallace!
Piz: This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.
Keith: Yes. It is.
Wallace: Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars.
Keith: I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on.
Piz: Non-alcoholic beer. All the peeing, none of the fun.
Wallace: You invited her to join us at Logan's party. Your lack of pimp juice is going to cost you, son.
Keith: Hey, honey. Just in time. Hungry?
Veronica: Nope, but the food's free.
Veronica: I vow to use the Mars powers for good rather than evil from now on.
Keith: There's never a stenographer around when you need one.
Veronica Voiceover: Things I'd rather do than attend this party solo. Seven minutes of heaven with Scott Peterson...
Dick: Hold the door!
Veronica Voiceover: Ride the space elevator with Dick...
Veronica: Your fly's open.
Dick: I know. Party ritual.
Veronica: Nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down.
Veronica: Max, this is my friend, Mac. Mac, Max. Where are my manners? Sit, defend, decide which one of you's changing their name.
Veronica: You were supposed to be my wing men. What mission could be more important than that?
Miranda: Here you go, boys.
Veronica: I see. Battle of the bulge.
Logan: I had this whole "My Super Sweet Nineteen" thing planned for tonight, but, uh, it turns out the hotel has a policy on Bengal tiger rides.
Max: That's brilliant! An online purity test. So basically you got people to detail their sex lives.
Mac: And be scored accordingly, then I sold their sexual secrets to their peers for ten bucks a pop.
Max: I like how you think.
Veronica: How is it you have so many friends? You don't even like people.
Logan: And yet they adore me.
Logan: I girded myself for seeing with a date tonight, you know, proof you weren't pining away.
Veronica: All the periodically good ones were taken and I pine for no man.
Logan: Hmm. Well maybe you should try branching out. I mean, who knows, maybe there's a consistently good one here tonight.
Miranda: I've heard your show. Maybe you could dedicate something to me?
Piz: Absolutely, even though it's a talk show. I could dedicate a segment on campus neighbourhood zones for you.
Veronica: You're leaving?
Piz: Yeah, well I'm a fan of the dramatic exit.