3.06 "Hi, Infidelity"

Aired Nov 07, 2006


  • Landry: The whole of human knowledge, right there online, and these papers are thin. Am I crazy to expect better? And if you're confused as to what better is, let me direct you to the front where I've posted our only example of A-caliber work. Nice job, Miss Mars.

    Veronica Voiceover: Well, this should make me popular.

  • Keith: He sounds like a hell of a guy.

    Veronica: Not only is he smart, but he's the biggest gun in the department, so him offering to be my advisor, it's just...

    Keith: Yeah, I'm not surprised. But I wish you would consult with me before you start phasing me out of your life.

    Veronica: Dad.

    Keith: He's smart, huh? Is he smarter than your old man?

    Veronica: You know, actually, you two have a lot in common. You'd like him.

    Keith: Can I take him in a fight? Be honest.

  • Veronica: I got a text message saying you wanted to see me.

    Timothy: I think it was "needed," not "wanted."

    Veronica: Ah. How did you get this number? I don't give it out to anyone.

    Timothy: You're not the only one at this school who has certain...gifts.

    Veronica: Gifts. That was my grandmother's term for, um, female... Just so you know.

  • Veronica: There's no way. Someone is trying to screw with me.

    Timothy: You think it's me? You think I'm trying to get you out of Landry's class because I don't like you?

    Veronica: Wait. You don't like me?

  • Piz: Hey, Veronica. Can you believe this? Some lady threw her husband out of the house, right, and now she's having a garage sale of all of his stuff. London Calling, vinyl, unscratched, ninety-nine cents. Awesome, right?

    Veronica: My would-be mentor/professor just gave me three days to prove I didn't plagiarize a major paper. The universe is currently aligned against me, so nothing's awesome.

  • Veronica: Will bowling take my mind off of the fact that everyone's out to get me?

    Piz: It worked for Nixon.

  • Veronica: Wallace!

    Wallace: Not here.

    Veronica: And you would be...

    Wallace: Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.

    Veronica: Evil Wallace wouldn't have confessed and faced punishment. Nope, you're regular Wallace.

    Wallace: Well, regular Wallace has been given a chance to drop Mechanical Engineering scot-free, which will mean giving it up as my major. I mean, man. This was the first thing I was ever into. Figuring out how stuff works. It's all I ever wanted to do.

    Veronica: You'll work it out. I know it. That's also very regular Wallace.

  • Veronica: Posted last year? Somebody must have faked that. I wrote this paper by myself, last week.

    Max: This must be a real Kafka-esque experience for you.

  • Mercer: That is classic.

    Logan: Well, it was a proctor. Professor wasn't even there.

    Mercer: That is so awesome. But...I do not condone it any way and had nothing to do with your decision to do it.

    Veronica: Do what?

    Mercer: Cheating. I told him it was wrong and he was gonna burn in hell. You're going to burn in hell, man.

    Logan: And I'll see you there.

    Veronica: You cheated?

    Logan: I took ten extra seconds on a test. I thought you loved bad boys.

    Veronica: I do, but if that's your idea of bad, you need to turn in your badge.

  • Veronica: Hey, do you want to go bowling tomorrow night?

    Logan: Sure. Unless it's some critical analysis of bowling seminar, then I...

  • Veronica: Just, Mac's had this project all week and Parker's all alone. I think we should invite her along.

    Logan: Um, how very Emma of you.

    Veronica: Did you just make a Jane Austen reference? It's official, the end of days are upon us.

  • Harmony: So, would you call that an accurate depiction of life as a private eye?

    Keith: Pretty close. I personally have never been hired to locate a Maltese falcon per se, but there was the case of the Maltese dog.

    Harmony: Oh, solid gold dog?

    Keith: Real dog. This guy got some low-life to kidnap his ex-wife's showdog.

    Harmony: Not exactly how I imagined the criminal underworld.

    Keith: If they were all like Peter Lorre, my job would be a little more interesting.

  • Harmony: Thanks, Keith, for coming. These days, my husband and I are just logistics. Can't remember the last time I just hung out and talked.

    Keith: Sure. It's great talking to someone for whom Bogart isn't a verb.

  • Winkler: Mr. Fennel. I was under the impression you dropped the class.

    Wallace: I said I'd think about it.

    Winkler: You sure this is a smart choice?

    Wallace: Probably not. But you've seen my standardized test scores. I'm not a particularly smart guy, right?

  • Veronica: The address was set up three days ago from an IP address at, get this, the Neptune Grand.

    Wallace: After you turned in your paper.

    Veronica: Um-hm.

    Wallace: So, you're off the hook. It's over.

    Veronica: Ah, my innocent and naïve Wallace. When I find out who did this, and I make them sing like the proverbial fat lady, that's when it's over.

  • Veronica: Okay. You're Rocky. Mechanical Engineering is Mr. T. "Eye of the Tiger" is playing. I'll see you later on.

  • Piz: Boom! I'm set. Are you ready for a night of bowling? Huh? Fun, fun, fun.

    Wallace: Ugh. Pretty sure I won't be ever having fun again. Ah, damn, that's tonight. I'm sorry, man, but it's impossible.

    Piz: No, dude, you have to go. I invited Veronica. I said there's a whole gang going, including you. So, if you're not there—

    Wallace: It's gonna look like you asked her out. Yeah, that sounds awkward.

  • Veronica: So, for bowling. Earnest "I'm really bowling" or "I'm too cool for bowling and I'm only here ironically"?

    Keith: When did crappy old shirts with stupid stuff on them become cool?

    Veronica: I don't know why I ask you these things.

    Keith: I don't either, frankly.

  • Piz: Hey, Veronica. Cool shirt. I-I went for the, uh, post-ironic route.

  • Parker: I can't believe you invite me out for the first time since I was...raped on some cheesy, double date set-up with that Piz guy.

    Veronica: It's not a set-up, I swear.

    Parker: Size seven, but this is not fun.

  • Parker: Ya-hoo! That's two-thirds of a turkey, bitches! Ah, you're in a deep hole, Piznarski. We're going to totally humiliate you, but, you know, no pressure.

    Logan: Refreshments?

    Piz: Ten martinis.

  • Veronica: Come on, Piznarski. We're dying. Correct me if I'm wrong but...this is fun.

    Parker: Veronica. I'm sorry I was so grumpy before. You're right. It feels good to just...be out in the world. Oh no! Seven-ten? That's the worst pair in bowling. Whatever shall you do?

    Veronica: Come on, Piz. We need that spare.

    Parker: Don't blow it, Piz. So, what's the story with him?

    Veronica: Him? Nothing. I've got a boyfriend.

    Parker: No. No, no, no, no. I mean, is he free?

    Veronica: Free as in...?

    Parker: As in he's cute, don't you think?

    Piz: Damn it straight to hell.

    Parker: Find out what he thinks of me.

    Veronica: What?

  • Veronica: No more fun. Too exhausting.

    Logan: Yeah. Next time we'll get in some weight training before we bowl.

    Veronica: Just the soap opera. Parker wants me to find out if Piz likes her. What do I do? Pass a note? Scribble it on his Trapper Keeper?

  • Jeff: I've worked here two years. You've seen me a hundred times, but you don't notice the little people, 'cause you're too busy lounging with Captain Moneybags, here.

    Logan: That's Admiral Moneybags.

    Jeff: I trust the steak's to your liking.

    Logan: Always.

    Jeff: Goodnight, then.

    Logan: Well, that's my girl, spreading sunshine wherever she goes.

    Veronica: That boy doesn't know it yet, but he's the living dead.

  • Piz: Dude! Dude. Hey, hey look, man, it's school policy that if you're dead, I get to keep your stuff, so, if you are dead, just-just don't say anything. Well, that's disappointing.

    Wallace: Oh, crap.

    Piz: Yeah, I could have just left you there and taken your iPod and so...you're welcome.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Eight years ago, I was sent to ask Brad Stark if he liked Suzy Doyle. The two of them never spoke again. In the intervening years, I haven't gotten any better at this.

  • Veronica: And Parker had a good time too.

    Piz: Oh, yeah, good. She seems nice.

    Veronica: You think so? The reason I ask is because...I'm sorry, I'm having a traumatic stress flashback to the sixth grade. Parker thought you were cool. And also cute.

    Piz: Oh, huh. Well...oh.

    Veronica: Oh, what?

    Piz: I mean, no, she's really nice, it's...but she's not really my type.

    Veronica: Oh. You have a type.

    Piz: Yeah, kinda. And it's not her.

  • Piz: Join us next time when we ask: why does everyone hate America? Is the rest of the world crazy or just stupid?

  • Lamb: Hey! Can someone let me know when some girl is in my office? What are you doing here?

    Veronica: I'm here about the rapes at Hearst.

    Lamb: Already aware of them. Thanks for coming by. I'm real busy.

    Veronica: This is sketchy, but—

    Lamb: If it's Bigfoot, we checked. He's got an alibi.

    Veronica: Oh, rape humor. It never gets old.

  • Timothy: You really thought Ratner did it.

    Veronica: Oh, crap.

    Jeff: No, no. I did not put those in there.

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