Who's Who of Veronica Mars

3.20 "The Bitch Is Back"

2400

Either a spin-off of The 4400 in real-time format, or more likely, the impressive SAT score and nickname of a student. One of the secret conspirators of the Castle foolishly reveals one of the other pledges when addressing Wallace by this nickname. This gives Veronica Mars the unique opportunity to follow "2400" to the secret society's extremely secretive headquarters and unmask their slightly hobolicious head honcho. (No offense, Jake, but the last few years really haven't been kind on you. Must be karma.) 2400 proves to be the key to the Castle in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

Abbott, Joseph

A member of the Castle class of 1928 and not, say, related to a cute girl living in Everwood, Colorado. We don't think. That would be some twist, though. Veronica sees his name on Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Adam #3

The first man in the Bible. He fell victim to his wife's nagging ("Try the fruit, honey! Try the fruit!") and his own male ego ("God ain't got nothin' on me!"). He made nakedness naughty but nice ("Bring me my fig leaf now, woman! What do you mean, where'd I hide yours?"). He's to blame for humanity's downfall, according to Judeo-Christian tradition. The poster on the Hearst College wall agrees in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff," and Veronica and Piz probably wish he'd left that apple alone in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo, topanga

All bios: 3.20 2.16

Alexander, Thomas

A member of the Castle in 1930, Thomas "Tommy Gun" Alexander eventually became a member of La Cosa Nostra (i.e. the mob). Though he eventually rose to mob boss, he was still in therapy for depression and making sure his family stayed together in...no, wait, that was Tony Soprano. Thomas Alexander was just a name on Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Alfandari, Henri

A member of the Castle in 1969. There's an audio confession from him on Jake Kane's hard drive. We're not sure what's on the tape, but it may be him saying "I killed him, I killed him, I killed him dead." Who knows in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Aller, Steven

Ogler. Who wouldn't take a peek at free porn starring that feisty pixie from across the hall? Maybe the virtuous, honest people of the world? Not at Hearst. Dick sends Veronica and Piz's sex tape to unscrupulous types, including Mr. Steven (no 'ph') Aller, in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Alex

B., Mike

Friend of Wallace and/or Piz who left a message on their dorm room whiteboard. Mike apparently wants to go to "Hoots" on Saturday. Could this be a code for Hooters? If it is, it's certainly not a very clever one, and why go to Hooters when there are bikini babes suntanning right in the Hearst quad? Maybe Hoots is a nickname for somebody? It's not a very good one. Or maybe he actually wants to go play "hoops" with Wallace. Mike needs to come up with better nicknames or maybe work on his whiteboard penmanship in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Battle, Kevin

Castle member, class of 1930. What a name, huh? Kevin BATTLE! I wonder what his secret is. Maybe he got into some sort of...battle? With...a rattle? That caused much...prattle? Among the...cattle? Put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo...that'll? Or he had sex with a frog. We don't find out in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Bellanfant, Beau

One of the recipients of the email with the video of Veronica and Piz getting biz-zay. Although, honestly? A guy with a name like "Beau Bellanfant" should be the one starring in internet porn, not receiving it from Dick Casablancas in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Bradley, Keith

Member of the Castle, Hearst College class of 1928. Poor Mr. Bradley's secrets are now in the hands of one Veronica Mars, who handed over his name to Nish Sweeney. He'd probably be worried, if he wasn't either dead or over a century old in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Brock, Jason

Member of the Castle, Hearst College class of 1969. While it's not revealed what secret confessions Jason might have spilled to the organization, given that it was the '60s, we're going to wager drugs were involved. Or maybe just some really, really bad hair. Oh wait, that was the '80s. Or was it both? Jason's acid trips and/or afro remain a mystery in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Brooks, Paul

A member of the Castle who graduated in 1932. A hobby bootlegger and terrible jazz pianist, Paul provided both booze and questionable entertainment for the Castle back in the day. Or maybe he was just another boring rich boy whose father was a hitman, but wouldn't our version be far more entertaining? His background — and secret — remains undisclosed in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

Brundige, Anthony

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas. Dick emailed Anthony wanting to know if he had "something for [him]." Let's see...Dick, "got something for me?", and he forwards porn on instinct. Yeah, we're just going to let you guys write your own joke for that one. Go ahead. We'll wait. What Anthony's got for Dick might be censored in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Casablancas, Dick

 

Cavin, Jerry

Castle member, class of 1969. We may never learn Jerry's secrets, but we've met somebody who might: Jessica Cavin, a reporter who could be any kind of niece/daughter/murderous-doppelgänger
-clone. She appeared in the episode prior to Jerry's, and maybe that freakish coincidence is the only crime the two are guilty of, but this is Neptune, and we suspect the worst in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Alex

Clark, James

Castle member, class of 1930. We heard James "The Reach" Clark was born on a small llama farm to former circus people. Young Jimmy thought he could fly like his hero, Superman, and jumped off the barn roof when he was five. Turns out that bump on his noggin made him one hell of a shortstop, if not a brainiac. Jimmy threw out his back reaching for a Toblerone bar before the ninth inning of The Big Game his sophomore year; today, he's a senator. James Clark is an inspiration to us all in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Cook, Michael

Castle member, class of 1929. Back when liquor was hard to come by, even in an affluent environment, Michael Cook made sure his clientele had the finest hooch this side of the Rio Grande. Cook kept the other fraternities on campus soaked and the local speakeasies happy. His entrepreneurial spirit was what got him elected to join the Castle; his quick wit and sly charm is what got him a job heading up the newly formed California Highway Patrol. Hey, it could have happened. We don't know, but we'll bet he looks like a young Erik Estrada in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Crawford III, Franklin

Castle member, class of 1929. As great-grandfather of Jennings Crawford (technically Jennings Crawford II; he's such a wannabe), his powerful seed spread throughout generations of men with two last names. The Crawford legacy is destined to produce the one man who can defeat the ultimate evil, the man with two first names: Rob Thomas. The ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny does not take place in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Cummings, Gerald

Castle member guilty of election fraud. Sure, only Veronica and Jake Kane know which election got sabotaged, but we have our suspicions. Bush/Gore? Flick/Metzler? HUDSON/BLANCHETT??! Gerald Cummings rigs results in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Alex

Davidson, Stanley

Castle member, class of 1933. Back in aught three, William Harley and Arthur Davidson got together and made their first motorcycle in Milwaukee. Thirty years later, Arthur tearfully watched his youngest son receive a degree in English Literature from the fancy West Coast school his darling wife insisted they send little Stan to. Watching his bespectacled, tweedy son mugging for the cameras was like a knife in the heart for the elder Davidson. Stan made it up to Daddy Davidson, though, because in 1942, he was the first and only Nobel Prize winner to ride a Hog into the award ceremony. No matter how tear-jerking this fairy tale, though, Stan's still hiding something in his file in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Decker, Constable

A member of the Castle. The eldest of five, Constable hails from Minnesota where his excessively law-abiding parents raise his siblings Superintendent, Chief Inspector, Hauptkommissar and Meter Maid. With names like these, who needs secrets? Needless to say we'd rather not know his in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

Dennis, Douglas

Member of the Castle. During college, Douglas thought briefly of a career as a caped crusader named The Alliterator, but then gave up the thought in favour of becoming yet another billionaire living off his family's vast income and slowly drinking himself into oblivion. Maybe it was the lack of murdered parents? Douglas's life is hidden in Jake Kane's files in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

Depriest, Steven

Castle member, class of 1930. In 1929, Steven visited Fantasy Island. For his fifty grand, he hunted white rhinoceroses and bald eagles while riding a polar bear. His file basically says that he's a mean-spirited jerk, but at least we didn't have to hear Tattoo yell, "Depriest, Boss! Depriest!" in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Desante, Domonick

Sender of Veronica's naughty video to Chip Diller. When Veronica found him, the pubescent snicker-er gloated over our girl's all-too-recent exhibitions, but one cancelled credit card and four missing tires later, Domonick finally listened to reason — or at least to Veronica's sizzling Taser. Domonick Desante swears off Daniel Powter — and dirty mpegs — in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Alex

Played by Joaquin Perez Campbell.

Diller, Chip

 

Echolls, Logan

 

Enbom, Dean

Castle member, class of 1934. Clearly an ancestor of the Neptune Enboms, he provided his scions with the resources to own an airline, produce Hollywood films, and write for destined-to-be-cancelled television shows. We hope Veronica Mars doesn't destroy Enbom's career in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Eve

Bibilical first woman and eater of forbidden fruit. Veronica is to Piz as Eve was to Adam...well, minus the giving of ribs, the banishment from paradise, and the begetting of all mankind. Given the enthusiastic reception to the Internet footage of Veronica and Piz "getting familiar," it's unlikely they sported the tastefully placed leaves of their Biblical counterparts to hide their naughty bits in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Farnham, Terry

Castle member, class of 1931. Terry showed great aptitude for tap dancing while juggling knives when he was in high school. He was cast in The Jazz Singer by his next-door neighbor and was expected to make a great success of himself after the movie. Unfortunately, his knife-juggling tap dance of doom was cut, but the Castle still had faith that he'd come out on top. Poor Terry never made it as an actor/tap dancer/knife juggler, and sadly, he died in a tragic gardening accident before graduating from Hearst. We never get to see those (almost) famous moves in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Fennel, Wallace

 

fiaryTailTrail

A recipient of the "Emission to Mars" email. Since "fiary" isn't a word, we're guessing that it's either a misspelling of "fiery" or "fairy." And since "fairy" implies...well, someone who wouldn't be interested in watching a naked Veronica, we're thinking the former is a more likely scenario. Mr. TailTrail is a bad speller and capitalizer in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Fields, Logan

Hearst student. This is clearly the son of director Michael Fields, named after Logan Echolls, rapidly aged, and then inserted into a fictional universe so that he could be the recipient of Internet nudity in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Flinner, Richard

Secret society recruit from the class of 1932. The Castle was in its infancy at the time and had yet to hone its ability to find the potential great, good, and greedy. Dick was from a good family and had made a mark as an all-round athlete. What they didn't know was that Dick's real obsession was Amelia Earhart, and on the day he graduated, he was too distracted to attend the ceremony, celebrating instead her successful solo flight to Ireland. Dick started working towards a bright future until disaster fell five years later and Amelia was lost. Dick couldn't bear it and spent the small fortune he'd acquired looking for her. Refusing to face failure, he took the extraordinary step of having one of the first (unreported) sex change operations, so he could think more like a woman. Now known as Rickie, she continued to search. On one of her last flights, she crashed in a remote location in New Zealand, killing sixteen innocent sheep. To stay alive, she skinned the sheep and wore their hide inside out and thus was the Flinner Fleece born. Her lack of business acumen and her failure to register the patent meant Rickie never saw the profits, ending this sorry tale of a guy-girl who was earmarked for wealth and power according to the list in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo

ganjabuddha

The Master of Mary Jane. The Sovereign of Smoke. The Great God of Grass. He's the Ganja Buddha! And he's probably eating some munchies and making his "special" butter while watching Veronica's "special" video (aptly and grossly titled, "Emission to Mars") that he received in an email. He's probably great friends with Corny, too, in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Garfield, William

Castle member, class of 1935. William's secret divulged during his initiation into the Castle was that he repeatedly stuffed his annoying roommate into a box and shipped him to Abu Dhabi. William proved a disappointment to the Castle, as instead of becoming rich and powerful post-graduation, he mostly just napped and ate lasagna. William's name still lives in infamy on Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Gills, Deputy

 

Gitlin, Howard

Castle member, class of 2010. HOMG, he graduated in the future!!! Wait, this just means he hasn't graduated yet. HOMG, he's calling from inside the house!!! Wait, this just means he's a regular Hearst student with a dirty secret and a fast-track to success. HOMG, we don't see him in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back"!!!

-Polter-Cow

Givens, Lawrence

Hearst College graduate — class of 1931 — recruited by the Castle. The writer spent an hour weaving a complex tale of Larry's father, a young immigrant teaching himself English from a copy of The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire on his way to Ellis Island, a clerk there who had a head cold and cloth ears, and the man's amassing of a fortune serving as a gigolo to New York society. These humble beginnings were the secret of the newly-rich family that should have been called Gibbon and it was excellent — witty, moving, a little risqué. The internet ate it. The writer is now sulking and suggests you just watch 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo

Gollum

An ex-hobbit in J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings quadrilogy (Gollum was in the prequel, The Hobbit). Sauron's ring transformed Gollum from a nice hobbit into a twisted creature consumed with greed, willing to bite off anybody's fingers to get his hands on the ring. His mantra? "My preeeccccioooousss." For some reason Gorya "Gory" Sorokin feels like Gollum when holding the new Castle confessions. That's a bad metaphor, since we don't think it's the confessions that transformed them into greedy people. We're thinking that perhaps Logan should have bitten off Gory's finger to teach him a lesson: leave the geek culture references to the professionals. Unfortunately, there's no finger biting in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Gomer, Jay

Castle member, class of 1969. Jay Gomer was a successful businessman, clearly lord of the bling, until an encounter with a mysterious pirate made him think, "Ahoy, mateys!" He took stock of his life, and then this happy-go-lucky Hearst grad changed his name to Steve and became lord of the Pi's. By which I mean he found a tribe of transcendental numbers and became their leader. Sometimes, he took time off to direct television shows, but he did not direct 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Griffen, William

Castle member, class of 1932. Young Billy Griffen wanted nothing more than to ensure his legacy as California's greatest architect, eventually designing one of America's finest inventions: the La-Z-Boy recliner. Sadly, he lost the plans in an intense round of quarters with Edwin Shoemaker, and after many unsuccessful attempts at recreating his design, he gave up and traveled by train to Michigan to demand a rematch. However, he got tanked, missed his stop, and ended up in the seaside town of Quahog, Rhode Island. Maybe his file has a clue to where you might find some of his descendants these days in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Groban, Josh

Grammy-nominated crooner. In most circles, Josh Groban is revered for his rich, sophisticated baritone, but to the half-drunk eye of Boss Man Rob (just kidding, Mr. Thomas, sir!), the vocalist is most well known for looking like a brainy freshman pledging The Castle. We think the comparison is a stretch to begin with, and we were really confused by the pledge's dirty blonde locks (which don't exactly mimic Josh's dark curls) but we'll let Rob Thomas get away with anything in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Alex

Gwartz, Tucker

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas. He wanted to know about "surfin" while what he probably should have been lookin into was improvin his spellin. How's he goin to be producin a show about detectivin without any book-learnin? Tucker needs some lessons in grammar and capitalization in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Hanks, Jill

Reporter from the Neptune Register. She was in the middle of an interview with Keith when a pair of troublemakers (and one badass) interrupted to accuse the Acting Sheriff of concealing the thieving propensities of his daughter. That may sound like a good story, but the Register's readership would probably have enjoyed it more if Ms. Hanks had caught the Sheriff with no pants after an unfortunate salad incident in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Played by Tracey Rooney.

Harvey, Walt

Jake Kane's neighbor. His security cameras catch a tiny thief scaling the Kanes' wall. Just think how different Neptune might be if Walt and his security cameras had lived next door to the Kanes three years ago in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Played by Jim Jansen.

Hillhouse, Jonathan

Castle member, class of 1929. Remember that 1999 horror flick where Geoffrey Rush thought he was Vincent Price? No? How about the equally bad 1999 movie where Owen Wilson was killed by a fireplace? Well, both House on Haunted Hill and The Haunting are based on Jonathan Hillhouse's twisted autobiography, The Haunting of Hillhouse and his memoir, Birthday Party at Insanity Manor. Word is, Joel Silver's production company, Dark Castle, might have optioned the rights to Hillhouse's final work of non-fiction, Return to Insanity Manor. Funnily enough, Return to House on Haunted Hill is already in the works. Hey, wait a minute..."the Castle"..."Dark Castle"...oh, I'd better call Nish Sweeney, I think I just connected the dots. I hope the Castle doesn't know that I know... In the meantime, try to figure out what sort of crazy secret Hillhouse has hidden in his file in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Hong, Jisoo

Dirty-email-receiving Hearst student. Did you know that the Vietnamese surname "Hong" means pink and rosy? Similarly pink and rosy are our weary little fingers from having to type up all these unique biographies. We'll be thanking Rick Pickett 'til we're Hong in the face because of his above-and-beyond work in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Huntley, Albert

Castle member, class of 1933. Originally from England, Albert's last name derives from the middle English word "hunten," meaning "to hunt." As in, we are going to hunt down Rick Pickett for including so many damn names in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Huntley, Gabe

Castle member, class of 1974. Perhaps related to Albert Huntley, Gabe's secret confession to the members of the Castle was that he ran over someone in Tijuana. Well, you know the saying: what happens in Tijuana, becomes blackmail material for a super-secret, elite organization to keep you in line and do their bidding. Gabe probably wishes he'd laid off the tequila in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Jackson, David

Yet another member of the Castle. His name is probably a shoutout to someone, but we don't know who. Maybe it's YOU! We're sure you wish you had the bright future this man was promised by his inclusion in this secret society. It would be better than the future of Rick Pickett, who we are going to hunt down and maim for being so damn good at his job and including so many names in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Jennings, Eric

Member of the Castle, class of 1928. Much like the middle sibling in a popular sitcom family, Eric had to put up with a less popular sibling always trying to steal the spotlight that, clearly, he deserved. I wonder if Eric's little brother ever ranted "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" at the ominous meetings of the Castle. The family secrets remain unrevealed in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Jennings, Steven

Member of the Castle, class of 1935. The younger brother of Eric Jennings, Steven wasn't initially going to be asked to join the Castle. After complaining to his parents ("Daaaaaaaad! Eric won't let me in his super-secret organization again!" "Eric, let your brother play!") he was grudgingly let in, though he did have to put up with the occasional wedgie and noogie. Poor little Steven's on the list in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

jesse441

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas who was sent the video of Veronica and Piz doing a reenactment of The Full Monty. If Jesse has a girl, we hope she doesn't know what kind of emails he gets forwarded by his buddies in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Jones, Gary

Castle member, class of 1932. Hmm, could he be related to Spencer Jones, his classmate and fellow Castle member? Maybe they're twins — conjoined ones! Only the Castle didn't really want Spencer, but what could they do? Maybe they gave him extra shocks — but wouldn't that hurt Gary as well? It's a medical quandary in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-leila6

Jones, Spencer

Castle member, class of 1932. Possible unwanted conjoined twin of Gary Jones — or perhaps just another pledgemate sharing his common last name. We'll never know, seeing as his text file remains unread in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-leila6

Kabat, Nicholas

Castle member, class of 2010. Nicholas Kabat was a spry chap who always helped his mum around the house. He knew he had to, or else he would face dire consequences. For many years, he did not know what exactly he was fearing. Then he went to middle school, and the Wisconsonian ruffians tossed him to the ground and squarely mocked him, jeering, "'Nicholas Kabat'? What are you, a London street urchin from 1810?" He cried to his mother, who informed him that, yes, he was a London street urchin from 1810, and if he did not behave himself, she would send him back to die of consumption. It is no wonder that the Castle has tapped him for admission, surely hoping to one day harness his temporally anomalous essence for their evil patriarchal machinations. None of this is stated in the episode, but it's written all over Kristen Bell's face in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Kane, Jake

 

Kemink, Mark

Castle member, class of 1969. We're thinking the secrets on his audio file went something like this: "Sittin' in your creepy room/You told me to admit my past/Oh, and when you shocked my neck,/I knew that I should 'fess up fast/Those were the best days of my life/Back in the Castle of '69!" This little ditty stays on Jake's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-leila6

Kirk, James T.

The Captain. Of. The USS Enterprise NCC-1701. And abonafide. Ladies' Man. In The Wrath. Of. KHAAAAAAAAAAN. Kirkrefused. To believe. Inano-win. Situation. Mac. Thinks. ThatVeronica. Islike. Him. In. 3.20 "TheBitch. IsBack."

-alliterator

Kirkpatrick, Dennis

Castle member. Dennis FitzKirkpatrick's secret isn't all that bad, if you think about it. I mean, who would want to forbid a FitzKirkpatrick to go to college if he wants to, or enter a secret society, for that matter? Isn't it rather fortunate to count a hard-working Irish mobster's son lad among your members, seeing as it provides for a great resource for illegal activities welcome diversity? We are completely sure nothing in Dennis's file would ever connect him to Neptune's first family of crime in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

klembomb313

Explosive duo? This address has a non-Hearst domain, which means that Dick could have sent a sexy video to a certain pair of writers who share not only a portmanteau but perhaps an email address. The real mystery is not how he could pull that off, but how there could be 312 other klembombs. Klembom get a shoutout in the Thomggiero-penned 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Klemmer, Brian

Castle member, class of 1934. Great-grandfather of Phil Klemmer, he never saw the boy graduate from Neptune High, as he became embroiled in a vast government conspiracy regarding the ever-rising price of stamps. He fought to keep stamps down to three cents, but The Man took him down. Take care when you're licking your next stamp. You could be licking his soul. Veronica attempts to stick it to The Man in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Lee, Parker

 

Lev

Member of a completely legitimate business establishment. Moider? Who said anything about moider? Those two bodies, they, uh, fell offa da truck. The thing with the woodshop and the heavy garbage bags is got nuthin' to do with nuthin'. My associate and I were merely...cleaning up after some rats. Didn't nobody get whacked. Who you talkin' to? I said, who you talkin' to? Was it my weasel of a nephew? I bet he's got a big mouth in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Lindsay, Herbert

Castle member, class of 1934. His confession? His name isn't actually Herbert Lindsay. His given name was so horrible and embarrassing that in 1928, he legally changed it, only later realizing that he should have picked a name like Orville (which was considered cool back in 1934). What name could be worse than "Herbert Lindsay," you ask? Well, I'd tell you, but hasn't the poor guy been through enough having to go through life as "Herbert Lindsay" in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back"?

-misskiwi

Louis

Roommate of Domonick Desante. According to the whiteboard on his door, Louis [heart]'s you if you're single, has a friend named "Lovebone" who wants to "ride the creep train," and has a roommate whose hobbies include forwarding Internet porn. Louis sounds like a stand-up individual in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Lout 1

Lout (obviously) who makes lewd comments in Veronica and Piz's direction after their Internet porn debut. In place of "Lout 1," we would also have accepted "Loudmouth Jerkwad 3," "Gross Fratboy 74," "Pervert 19," and "Guy Veronica Wants to Taser 739" in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Played by Brian Norris.

Lovebone

Left a message on Louis's board. His name means he's either:

a) an archaeology major,

b) a dog like Wishbone (although he would have to have opposable thumbs to use a pen), or

c) someone with a very dirty mind.

Considering "Lovebone" is friends with the roommate of Gorya "Gory" Sorokin, wants to "ride the creep train," and uses atrocious grammar, we have to guess c) in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Mapes, Christopher

Castle member, class of 1969. Maybe he's the older brother of Peabody-winning, scandal-committing CBS producer, Mary Mapes. We'll bet this Republican congressional wannabe did one of the old facepalms when Rather-gate went down in 2004. Or maybe Chris is Mary's unnamed source — would it be so bad if this guy's only secret was leaning a little to the left and bleeding blue? We'll never know, as his file remains sealed in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Marlow, Edward

A member of the Castle in 1933, Marlow wasn't tall, but he tried to be. He was as obvious as a kangaroo in a dinner jacket. He liked his brandy in a glass and he collected bottles and blondes. Too bad the Castle wouldn't let him be a shamus like he wanted to be — he had to pass that on to his nephew, Philip. Ed's name was really Reilly, Doghouse Reilly in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Mars, Keith

 

Mars, Veronica

 

McDade, Todd

Graduating Neptune High student and current Hearst student. After successfully not impregnating his girlfriend, not fleeing the country, not becoming a murder suspect, not getting blown up in a bus, not getting blackmailed for being gay, and not contracting any STDs in his senior year, Todd spent the months after his graduation interning in his father's company in Tokyo, where he fell in love with a nice young woman named Kudo Michi. Who knows, maybe there is one student from Neptune headed for a happy ending after all. Todd's fate was undecided in 2.22 "Not Pictured," but we think working for a rat slave has provided him many opportunities, including access to amateur porn in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 3.20 2.22

Mitchell, Robin

Castle member, class of 2010. Robin Mitchell's big secret is he's really a woman — therefore, the Castle has officially moved into the twentieth century (only 107 years too late!). If that's the case, we're surprised Robin's QuickTime movie didn't make the same rounds as Veronica's. No matter what, though, we're right there with Nish in hoping the Castle becomes more female-friendly. Maybe they'll add a turret where we can let our hair down? Here's hopin' in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Oquendo, Alan

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas who received the forwarded video of Veronica and Piz doing the horizontal mambo. Alan is a pathetic loser who lives in his mother's basement and is only in Dick's contact list because Dick got him confused with his surfing buddy Alan Oguendo. Getting forwarded porn from Dick is the highlight of Alan's week in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Orthenback, Donald

Castle member, class of 1933. Donald's bringing Orthen back, and them other boys don't know how to act. Hey, Donald may have gotten his groove on in Orthen, Netherlands after stopping to party in Amsterdam. We'd like to see the pictures he took on his European vacation, but sadly, they're in his unopened file in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Peterson, Jonathan

Castle member, class of 1969. Perhaps Mr. Peterson hadn't done anything wrong when he matriculated to Hearst. Perhaps he had a bright future ahead of him. It's unfortunate that he possibly spawned a murderer. Maybe he should give Big Dick a call, so they can chat about all they have in common in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Piznarski, Stosh "Piz"

 

Ploughshare, Raymond

A member of the Castle in 1933. Raymond's father still believed that a last name dictated what job you were going to do in life, so he dutifully gave his son the name of a farm implement, thinking that he would become a farmer. Ray rebelled against his father's wishes and, after joining Hearst and the Castle, became a famous author. Realizing that perhaps "Ploughshare" wouldn't look very nice on the cover of a book, he changed it. To what? Well, you'd have to ask his friend, Edward Marlow. Two peas in a pod, they were. Raymond's real last name is forever preserved on Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Professor

Oh, the life of Wallace's professor. Years of studying in dank cubicles at the library, slaving away at research papers, sacrificing a social life until he finally obtains that coveted professorship…only to be used as Wallace's excuse to avoid a girl and pass him a note from the Castle. Oh, academia. It takes us right back to middle school in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-leila6

Played by Gary Ballard.

Redding, Prosecutor Mitch

Balboa County prosecutor. Where did Jake find this guy? And why is he in such a bad mood? My guess is Clarence Wiedman, Jr. snatched him up off the dock of the bay, where he was wastin' time watching the tide roll away. Poor guy — I hate when my lunch breaks are interrupted, too. Mitch doesn't get to watch the ships roll into 'Frisco bay in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Kevin Symons.

Riel, Russle

A member of the Castle in 1931 whose parents had a sick sense of humor. Did you know that the Riel is the national currency of Cambodia? Well, okay, it wasn't in 1931. Hey, maybe Russle went to Cambodia and named the money after himself? Okay, probably not. But his humiliating name is preserved like a bug in amber on Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

rishiMangTok

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas. Foreign exchange student? Unfortunate sneeze during email account signup? Typing under the influence? We'll never know what rishi ("Tok" to his friends) was thinking or whether he appreciated Dick's "Emission to Mars" forward in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Rogers, Robert

Yet another member of the Castle. A pillar of society all his life, Rogers steadfastly denied having led a secret life of danger and intrigue as a space-faring adventurer in his youth. Jake Kane's files on him could probably shed new light on this intriguing mystery, but sadly, they are not disclosed to us in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

Rucker, Rashard

The LeBron James of Trevor Hale High School and Wallace's best friend in Chicago. If you define "best friend" as "someone who frames you for running over a wino." He has a manipulative uncle named Monte and a liking for nubile girls and college frat parties. Wallace really went in the opposite direction with his friendships this time. The Poor Man's Michael Jordan gets a Poor Man of his own who runs over poor men in 2.11 "Donut Run" and 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle" and whose shame is revealed to the Castle in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

All bios: 3.20 2.12 2.11
Played by BJ Britt.

Smithey, Rodney

Castle member, class of 1928. Rodney was a London street urchin who stowed away on a New York-bound freighter and then rode boxcars hobo-style cross-country to California. There, he played poker to make enough money for college, having taught himself to read and write during his long voyage. He graduated and almost instantly made a fortune on the stock market. Unfortunately, the crash of 1929 reduced him to a hobo once again and he mysteriously vanished. Maybe he got eaten by coyotes, or maybe the Castle ensured that less successful members met with untimely accidents. We'll never know in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Sorokin, Gorya "Gory"

A Castle member with familial ties to the Mafia, Gory takes it upon himself to distribute "Emission to Mars," a tape of Veronica and Piz engaging in sexual activity, obtained without their knowledge as a byproduct of the Castle's surveillance of Wallace. What a stand-up guy that Gory is. That is, until Logan finds out and beats him until he resembles his name. It seems Gory's now having trouble standing up in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-leila6

Played by Matthew Alan.

surferalex

Assistant to Rob Thomas. No, really! It is perfectly reasonable to assume that Dick emailed Alex Mercer. Who needs a fourth wall? It's the series finale, fools! All bets are off! This is Rick Pickett's last chance to insert shoutouts into the show. Just sit back and enjoy 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Sweeney, Nish

 

Thomas, Mark

Castle member, class of 1931. We're not sure why this guy was tapped for greatness. He ends up producing a whore. If only Veronica were able to go back in time and stop it from happening in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Three

Not a hot Cylon played by Lucy Lawless, but rather the Castle interrogator's nickname for Wallace. We're sure that after the shock Wallace received, he wishes Ms. Lawless could beat up whoever did it in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Trusdale, Kurt

Recipient of "Emission to Mars." Before Dick Casablancas got him hooked on hidden-camera porn, young Mr. Trusdale watched Happy Days and built model airplanes, but since May 22, 2007, Kurt's eyes haven't left his computer screen. We would be worried, but every twelve-year-old nineteen-year-old must drink from the chalice of pixelated nudity at least once, right? Plus, Veronica Mars is totally hot. Kurt finally gets that right of passage in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Alex

Tully, Marcus

A member of the Castle in 1929. Not only was he a member of a secret society, he was also a racer in a secret, illegal, cross-country road race. For serious. He probably gave birth to a rogue landscaper, too. He name is on Jake Kane's hard drive (rather than a mysterious thumb drive) in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Van Lowe, Vincent

 

Vincent, Travis

Castle member, class of 1931. Classmate of Franklin Crawford, III, he did not survive very long once Franklin became consumed with the idea that Travis Vincent was the two-first-named ultimate evil that the prophecies foretold. How he died is unknown, as are where and when. The Castle protects its own. But not from other Castle members. Mr. Vincent's secrets stay buried in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

The Virgin Mary

The mother of Jesus Christ, a.k.a. . She was impregnated by God without sex which, depending on one's beliefs, is either a holy act or the first recorded case of artificial insemination. As rather a lot of people go for the former explanation, the spontaneous appearances of images of the blessed maiden are considered miracles to behold. In the modern age, miracles can be liquidated and a Virgin-blessed grilled cheese sandwich can raise a fortune. Piznarski's face looks a bit like a grilled cheese sandwich after being pummelled by a misguided angel of vengeance, right down to the bruise in the shape of the Virgin Mary. The working class boy might be well advised to leave Neptune, get a skin graft to remove and preserve his bruise, and invest in a different future — for it's as clear as the bruises on his face that he doesn't have one with Veronica Mars after the events in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo

Warner, Jerome

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas. We're unsure why Dick has the former senator from Nebraska in his email address book, or what interest a dead man might have in sports injuries, but perhaps the late Mr. Warner is doing a little posthumous research. Can't blame a guy for trying, though why he'd ask the young Casablancas for assistance is beyond us. We hope they both got a kick out of the email in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Webster, Art

Castle member, class of 1969. We bet Artie's worst crime was idolizing the like-named artist, Art Garfunkel, for the '60s were nothing if not an era of great music (and drugs). Like his mentor, young Artie aspired to be a musician; we hear he bought his first real six-string at a five and dime. Poor guy played it 'til his fingers bled. His musical career probably didn't pan out, but we'll never know, as we can't see the contents of his file in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Wheatherton, Kenneth

Castle member, class of 1932. '32 was a big year for evil. Hitler became a German citizen, Ghandi was arrested, and the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped. Wheatherton probably wasn't directly involved in any of those things, but who knows. There's obviously something sinister in his file in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Wiedman Jr., Clarence

 

Wilson, Watson

Castle member, class of 1929. Even in 1929, parents were cruel. Watson, really? Did they want him to grow up to be BFF with Sherlock Holmes? No wonder the guy had skeletons in his closet. Sadly, we never get to find out what they were in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-starxdsparrow

Wrest, Richard

Castle member, class of 1931. I don't know what his secret confession contained, but I bet the Castle had difficulty wresting it from him. Hahaha! ...What? Have you seen how many of these damn names there were? Cut us some slack, here. Richard probably wouldn't appreciate the pun either in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Yarbrough, Chester

A recipient of the "Emission from Mars" dirty email. Chester's name rhymes with "child molester," but that probably doesn't mean he is one. It also rhymes with "fester," which is probably what Veronica is going to let him do in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Young, Clifford

A member of the Castle in 1932. Clifford fell in love with a local prostitute, who then became pregnant with a daughter. Although the Castle urged him to pay off the prostitute and forget about the child, he decided to raise her and in return, when she grew up, married, and had a child, she named him after his grandfather. Or something. Okay, we made that up. Shut up! You try writing ninety bios for names that appeared for two seconds on-screen! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! *rips hair out* [Editor's note: the writer of this bio has been sacked. Please wait for a new bio writer. Thank you and we're sorry for the inconvienence.] Cliff's name appeared on Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Zimmerman, Charles

A member of the Castle in 1934. He didn't want power for himself, but rather he requested that his son, Robert Allen, receive all his benefits. What became of that boy anyway? Who knows. The times they are a-changing, especially for Jake Kane's hard drive in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator