2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword"

Aired Sep 28, 2005

Quotes

• Veronica Voiceover: Normal. That's the watchword. Sounds good, doesn't it? Senior year begins tomorrow and all appears hunky dory. Best friend? Check. Boyfriend? Check. Lilly's killer behind bars? Check.

• Kelvin: I just got kicked out of athletics for my entire senior year. I failed the mandatory drug test. Veronica: So what's new, Kelvin? You failed it last year, too, if I remember correctly. Kelvin: Yeah, but I'm clean now, for goin' on ten months. Veronica: Give me your hands, look into my eyes, and swear to that fact. Kelvin: Veronica, I swear that there is no possible way I could've failed that drug test. Veronica: Hm. Kelvin: So am I lyin'? Veronica: I don't know. Kelvin: Then what was all that for? Veronica: I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

• Veronica: You were very convincing, but I don't do that kind of work anymore.

  Kelvin: So who's supposed to help me out, then?

  Veronica: Encyclopedia Brown? I hear he's good.

  Kelvin: I guess it's true what they say about you then, huh?

  Veronica: Probably, but you're gonna have to narrow it down for me.

• Manager: Your dad's hot.

• Veronica Voiceover: Suffice to say, I've got plenty of material for any back-to-school "What I did last summer" essay I'm asked to write.

• Wallace: You didn't call me back last night. Veronica: Don't go gettin' all girl on me.

• Wallace: I failed my drug test. I'm booted from athletics for the whole year.

  Veronica: You don't do drugs.

  Wallace: No duh, Sherlock. And it wasn't just me. Five of us total failed — and Jimmy Day, our starting quarterback, he passed it. And everybody saw him blazin' one up down on the boardwalk.

• Wallace: So you'll help?

  Veronica: Do you even have to ask? Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in...

• Veronica: Hey, what period do you have office aide this year? Wallace: Believe it or not, I didn't sign up for a second year of office aide. Veronica: Yeah, that doesn't work for me. Wallace: Well, you can take that up with Moms. She had these crazy ideas about me havin' a well-rounded education. But, don't underestimate me. The master key. Yeah. And I got all the administrative passwords I could get my hands on. Veronica: Ooh, you're good. Wallace: You know, you know. I get all my criminal tendencies from you.

• Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?

  Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.

  Veronica: This is not really their M.O.

  Wallace: I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.

• Wallace: So where's your boyfriend? I expected to be ignored at lunch today.

• Veronica: So — and I mean other than me — can you think of anyone who would want to do this to you?

  Kelvin: No. People love me.

  Veronica: No, they don't. You pick on the weak and helpless.

• Kelvin: This kid, a sophomore, they call him Butters. You know, he was climbing the pegboard in gym class before PE last year. Tryin' to show off. It pissed me off.

  Veronica: So?

  Kelvin: So I pantsed him! It was hysterical!

  Veronica: Wow, you're cool.

• Veronica: I heard that you were kicked off the cheerleading squad. Meg: Yeah, but you know me, I'm a major stoner. It was really affecting me, too, I was like, "Let's go! Let's go! L-E-T-S...duh..."

• Veronica: Can you think of anyone who might have done this to you?

  Meg: Well, there is this one person. I used to think she was a friend, but, uh...but yeah, yeah, now that I think about it, she'd have no reservations and she definitely has the talent to pull it off. Let me know if you have any luck tracking her down, 'kay?

• Wallace: Know what else I found out today? This failed drug test goes on my permanent file. Any college I apply to is gonna see it.

  Veronica: Well, if you would've taken another year of office aide we could've done something about that file.

  Wallace: Yeah, 'cause this is my fault.

• Wallace: Did you learn anything today?

  Veronica: Kelvin Moore, while giving up his pot-smoking ways, has not given up being an obnoxious jackwad.

• Veronica: I know a 24-year-old floozie who thinks you're hot. Keith: This floozie, did you get her digits? Wallace: Hey, all right now, don't make me have to go home and tell my mama. Keith: Wallace, your mother and I have an understanding. Veronica: You do? Keith: Yes, and it's this: I behave myself, and she doesn't leave me. So please, tell her nothing, other than I worship the ground on which she treads. Wallace: I'm leavin' now. Keith: The ground on which she treads. You might want to write that down. Wallace: Got it.

• Keith: So. Senior year. How was your first day of school, honey?

  Veronica: Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money, and then skipped out after lunch.

  Keith: What, no premarital sex?

  Veronica: Oh. Yeah. Yes. But don't worry, Dad — I swear you're gonna like these guys.

  Keith: That's my girl.

  Veronica: I missed you.

  Keith: Ah, I missed you too. Now where's my turkey pot pie, woman?

• Veronica: Butters?

  Vincent: "Butters" is the name of the weak, loser suck-up on South Park. "Butters" implies soft, fat...

  Veronica: But oh so delicious.

  Vincent: My given name is Vincent.

  Veronica: I hear you were pantsed in gym last spring, Vincent.

  Vincent: Are you requesting a private viewing?

  Veronica: And now, the guy who pantsed you and all the people who might have chuckled end up kicked off athletics for the year. Curious.

  Vincent: Justice. It can be a bitch.

  Veronica: You're playing a dangerous game. Kelvin will take your head off if I tell him you're the reason he's off football this year.

  Vincent: You know what? I don't think he will. Hey, Pop.

  Mr. Clemmons: Son.

• Wallace: Permanent files are in that brownish-beige filing cabinet.

  Veronica: I can't believe after a year of working here you don't know the make and model of the filing cabinet.

  Wallace: Yeah, it is hard to believe. Usually, memorizing that information is the first thing I do when I enter a room containing a filing cabinet.

• Veronica: Scary, isn't it? The lax security? What if someone was trying to alter your permanent file? Wallace: We're trying to alter it, right now. Veronica: Alter it back. There's a difference. Wallace: Alter it back. Cool. I was wondering where we were drawing that ethical line this year.

• Wallace: So there's no alterations, there's no forgery...

  Veronica: So it appears.

  Wallace: So I'm screwed, basically.

  Veronica: Unless...the results were accurate.

  Wallace: [Rastafarian accent] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoke so much ganja, I don't even remembah doin' it.

• Veronica: Eat any mystery brownies lately? Wallace: Spirit b—! [quieter] Spirit boxes! The day of the Back to School Athletics Banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies. Veronica: Did you eat one? Wallace: I ate six. Veronica: That's my Wallace.

• Veronica: My dad is probably watching us through a telescope. Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue. Veronica: ...And that telescope is mounted on a rifle. Logan: [mouthing] Five more minutes.

• Logan: You should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just lookin' to get laid.

  Veronica: Wait. What are you saying, you're not pretty?

  Logan: What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with you.

  Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base...

• Veronica: [knocking] Are you done yet? Wallace: It is never going to happen if you keep doin' that! Veronica: I see. Stage fright? I'm making you nervous. Well, according to the box we only need a few drops and it'll test for cocaine, steroids, pot... Keith: What's up, honey? Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample. Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

• Veronica: Come on, you're a man. Can you give him some pointers?

  Keith: Wallace?

  Wallace: Yep.

  Keith: You try turning the water on?

  Wallace: Mm-hmm.

  Keith: Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

  Wallace: Aaaahhhh, man!

  Veronica: Gross!

  Keith: Honey, it works!

  Veronica: I can barely even look at you now.

  Keith: I can't believe how squeamish you are.

• Veronica: If I know the name of a corporation, how do I find out the names of its shareholders? Keith: You get the strangest homework in health class. Veronica: Can you keep your trap shut if we tell you why we need it? No running off and telling your girlfriend. Keith: Agreed. Veronica: Wallace has been kicked out of athletics for his entire senior year for failing the mandatory drug test. But Wallace is clean. See for yourself. Keith: Himah-oah-ah...I take your word for it.

• Wallace: So what's the plan?

  Veronica: We're gonna scare 'em.

  Wallace: How is that gonna help me?

  Veronica: Well...it'll be fun.

• Veronica: She's taking anyone from newspaper, yearbook, and broadcast news class who wants to tour Shark field tomorrow. Wallace: Wow. I can't believe you're going. Veronica: I like baseball. Wallace: Yeah, but you don't like people. Veronica: I love people. I'm a people person!

• Logan: My sister is negotiating with networks to sell her version of the Aaron Echolls story. I think the sticking point is she's insisting she play herself. The producers, on the other hand, are insisting on Tara Reid.

  Veronica: Trina wasn't even around.

  Logan: Who do you suppose cares? I always wanted a TV movie version of my life. Hey, you think they could get Tom Welling to play me?

  Veronica: Dream on.

• Dick: Logan! And Logan's special lady friend who I approve of wholeheartedly and without reservation.

• Dick: Don't make me go in there and get all Ordinary People on you, Beav. Beaver: The older brother drowns, dumbass.

• Kendall: Welcome home, children. How was school? Who wants a Rice Krispie treat? Beaver: Gee, Mom, you're the best, but I'll pass. Kendall: Hm. Beaver: You met Mumsie, right? Dick: The club, the clambake. Remember? God, you're retarded. Beaver: And yet it's a miracle that I managed to score 400 points higher than you on my SATs, huh? Kendall: Now boys, you don't want me to tell your father you couldn't play nice. Logan: Uh, I want a Rice Krispie treat. Kendall: Go make it yourself then, kid. Do I look like a cook?

• Logan: So where did your dad meet her?

  Dick: She was a Laker Girl. And...you know my dad. He has good seats.

• Logan: Ah, young love. Duncan: You're coming on the field trip? I figured you and the other Jets would be rumbling with the Sharks. Logan: Cool it, Action.

• Dick: Miss Dumbass!

  Miss Dumas: It's "du-mahs," Dick.

  Dick: Well, my name's pronounced "Ree-shard," and it stinks back here.

• Dick: Hey, who's the lovely young flower blossoming into womanhood? Duncan: Let me guess: you want to pluck her.

• Logan: Hey, uh, can Dick and Beaver come out and play? Kendall: Let's see if we can find them.

• Woody Goodman: Why do I love baseball? The home run. The long ball. I'll admit it: I'm no purist. Give me an 11 to 9 slugfest and I'm in heaven.

  Beaver: Ah, so that's why Sharks pitching sucks.

• Woody: So, I thought I'd invite the journalism classes out and give Gia a chance to make some new friends. Dick: Hello. Friend. Gia: Hello. Okay, so far, working.

• Gia: Okay, just so everyone knows, I don't always dress like this. I didn't know if you guys were doing, like, relaxed beachy, or the West-Coast-wannabe-East-Coast urban, so FYI, it's not a statement. I'm just doing the new-school-blend-in thing.

• Veronica: You never played Little League? Duncan: Oh. Well, Mom was afraid that a ball would hit me in the face, Dad was afraid it would interfere with mock U.N., and I was afraid I couldn't hit a curveball. Veronica: I'm afraid you're going to get love handles if you eat all that. Duncan: I have an excellent metabolism. Veronica: Well then, it's official: I hate you.

• Dick: Hey. We're not takin' that stank-ass bus back to Neptune. My dad's sending a limo. Would you and your girlfriend — whose quick wit I find enchanting — like to take a trip back in style? Miss Dumbass said it was cool.

  Duncan: Hell yeah.

  Veronica: ...Fine.

  Dick: Cool.

  Veronica: I feel dirty.

  Duncan: "Dirty" one "r," or two "r"'s?

• Duncan: You don't owe her anything. You didn't do anything to her.

  Veronica: You are so not a girl.

• Veronica: Excuse me, Mr. Cook? Terrence Cook: Yes ma'am? Veronica: I just wanted to say you are my dad's favorite baseball player, ever. He keeps your rookie card vacuum-sealed inside a safe. Terrence: Well that is an honor. Tell him thanks for me. Veronica: When my dad finds out about this, he's not gonna let me wash this hand.

• Terrence: So who's your favorite player? Veronica: Um... Duncan: Tell him. Be honest. Terrence: It's Johnny Damon, isn't it? Veronica: He's so pretty.

• Weevil: What are you doin' here, huh? Shouldn't you be running for homecoming queen or something?

  Veronica: I'm safe standing here, right? I mean, you're not going to shoot me, are you?