3.20 "The Bitch Is Back"

Aired May 22, 2007

Cultural References

The Bitch Is Back (Music)
Elton John (People)

Episode title - "The Bitch Is Back"

Sometimes, a diva's just got to scream. Before Celine told us her heart could go on (and was not yet annoying), back when Mariah was barely in kindergarten (and was not yet crazy), the most famous diva of all time was throwing temper tantrums that inspired pop songs. Elton John performed this Bernie Taupin-penned ditty after one of his famous diva fits inspired Taupin's wife to proclaim, "The bitch is back." While Veronica doesn't sniff pots of glue to get high, she does raise Kane, and she'll most certainly spit in his eye. My God, what's that? Oh yes — our bitch is back.

Adam and Eve (Religion, Folklore, and Urban Legends)

"There's a video taken right here in this very room of us Adam-and-Eve style, getting familiar."

Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman. Wait, let me start over: there was the FIRST man and the FIRST woman. Once Adam had a playmate in the Garden of Eden (where they lived as nudists!), he couldn't figure out quite what to do with her. A friendly and helpful serpent came along — oh, wait, I'm being told that he was the Devil in disguise. Well, anyway, the serpent/Devil came and suggested Eve eat fruit from the Forbidden Tree of Knowledge, so she did. Adam followed suit, and BLAMMO! Chicks get blamed for ruining everything! Or, uh, both Adam and Eve recognized their nudity as sin, and they were banished from The Garden to live as farmers. Either way, the story does not have a happy ending. Sadly for Piz and Veronica, their Adam and Eve costume party was broadcast over the Internet. And we hear there was even a snake involved.

Mission to Mars (Movies)

After finding both mainstream and critical success with Scarface, Carlito's Way, and Mission: Impossible, Brian De Palma though it would be a great idea to direct a sci-fi actioner called Mission to Mars — it had the earmarks of a 'blockbuster smash' all over it. However, even an all-star cast couldn't save the disaster of a plot and those globule-like Martians from flaming out before reentry; the flick even earned De Palma a Razzie for Worst Director. Piz and Veronica, on the other hand, shot into the spotlight with their film debut. Better quality than that Hilton girl's video, and certainly more tasteful than Pam and Tommy Lee's, "Emission to Mars" earned the Dick Casablancas thumbs up. Given the choice, we'd take the Razzie.

Bad Day (Music)
Daniel Powter (People)

"Because you had a bad day, you're takin' one down, you sing a sad-"

A catchy enough pop song that owes its success to American Idol, which used the track throughout its fifth season as the soundtrack to the farewell montage of cast-off contestants. Canadian singer-songwriter Daniel Powter uses his chorus to advise forcing smiles to soldier through a rough day. Perhaps some failed singers would have preferred Ryan Seacrest telling them to watch that the door doesn't hit them on the way out. Veronica pays homage to this one-hit wonder as she smugly acknowledges Domonick's recent string of bad luck.

Virgin Mary (Religion, Folklore, and Urban Legends)

"I was just pointing out this bright pink part looks kind of like the Virgin Mary."

One of the most revered early Christians (by Catholics, anyway), Mary gave birth to the son of God. Throughout A.D. history, she has appeared to countless people in countries all across the world in many forms, including "in person," in a pretzel, and in a pizza-pan grease stain. Is it more ridiculous for Piz to say that a part of his beaten body resembles the Virgin Mary? No more so than a grilled-cheese sandwich bearing her "likeness" selling for thousands of dollars on eBay. Hey, wait, the sandwich never molded and kept the image, despite it being over 10 years old. Oh, no, what if Piz doesn't heal?! He's so pretty! He'd better go to the hospital, just in case. There's one in L.A. he could go to...

Dancing in the Streets (Music)
Martha and the Vandellas (Music)

"The sun will be shining, birds will be singing, they'll be dancing in the streets, so smile pretty."

Calling out around the world, is anyone ready for a brand-new beat? This familiar ode to summertime fun, frivolity, and fancy footwork was initially the work of Motown girl group Martha and the Vandellas but was later covered by the Mamas and the Papas. David Bowie and Mick Jagger released their spin on the classic tune in the '80s, complete with an unintentionally creepy video. Veronica thinks Keith's victorious move into the sheriff's seat will mean the time is right for Neptune residents to celebrate.

The Order of Skull and Bones (Organizations, Companies, and Products)

"It's Hearst's version of Skull and Bones."

The Order of Skull and Bones is a secret society based out of Yale University. Like the Castle's brethren, "Bonesmen" go on to wealth, fame, and power — Presidents Taft, George H.W. Bush, and George W. Bush were all members. Apparently, the Order can rig an election, too. So, how does a secret society stop being so secret? Make a movie about it starring Joshua Jackson and Paul Walker. In our version of the story, Jackson's character, Luke, will be played by Wallace Fennel — Luke gets tapped to join the society. He is happy. Something bad happens to his best friend. He is unhappy. He brings down the bad guys in a gentleman's duel. Or, rather, his best friend does it through espionage, blackmail, and oooh! is that a rigged election I see?

The Wrath of Khan (Movies)

"You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan; you refuse to believe in the no-win scenario."

"Kha-a-a-a-a-a-a-n!" Perhaps one of the best sci-fi one-liners ever to grace the silver screen. Definitely one of the best uttered by William Shatner. Maybe 'cause it was just the one word. Anyway, it's from the second movie in the Star Trek series, The Wrath of Khan. The beginning of the film sees our hero, Admiral James Tiberius Kirk, training a young Starfleet Lieutenant, played by an equally young Kirstie Alley. The particular training exercise is the no-win scenario, something that Kirk refuses to believe in. There's always a way out. And, like most heroes, including Veronica, he's right. Ka-a-a-a-ne!

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Revenge of the Nerds (Movies)
Star Trek (TV)

"You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references."

In the epic battle between Good and Evil, there have been two great wars waged: The United Federation of Planets versus the Klingons and the Nerds versus the Jocks. For the side of Good, we have two groups stressing the importance of equality and cooperation and having a certain proclivity for wearing outlandish costumes. For the side of Evil, the Klingons and Jocks fight for their right to be tyrannical jerks with prominent foreheads and an overwhelming need to overcompensate. Okay, I might be generalizing a bit, but if you want this to be quick and painless, bear with me. Veronica, friend of the Nerd (and all other disenfranchised peoples), is wholly on the side of Good in this double-dealing, cheatin', and stealin' world — but that doesn't mean she has to know all about Star Trek and the capabilities of Hearst's supercomputer. Even with that wry observation of Mac's full-on geekitude, our crusader for truth still snarks her way into the hearts and minds of Trekkie convention-goers everywhere.

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