3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf"

Aired Oct 24, 2006

Cultural References

Apocalypse Now (Movies)
The Clash (Music)

Episode Title: Charlie Don't Surf

This grammatically incorrect sentence comes from one of the greatest war movies of all time, Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now. The movie explored the psychological and actual horrors of the Vietnam War. The line "Charlie don't surf" refers to a character's stating that their enemy, called "Charlie" by soldiers, does not surf and therefore does not deserve to hold a good spot for surfing. You know, if "Charlie" truly refers to the enemy as a whole and not one metaphorical enemy soldier, then the line isn't grammatically incorrect! Luckily, confusing grammar didn't stop The Clash from writing a song with the same title. Here, the title is a total spoiler since it implies that the real Charlie does not surf, whereas the duplicitous reporter does.

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Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (Movies)

"You were expecting Sidney Poitier?"

This pioneering 1967 movie stars Sidney Poitier as a black doctor who is engaged to a wealthy white woman, much to the chagrin of her parents. Logan isn't of a different race, but he's got that "unreformable bad boy" thing going. He senses Veronica's nervousness about the so-called leisurely dinner he'll be having with her and Keith, and he serves up the snark to try to lighten the mood.

"My Eyes Adored You" (Music)

"No jokes. No innuendoes, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seem me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers."
"Can I mention that my eyes adored you?"

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you
My eyes adored you

This 1974 ballad by Frankie Valli is about a young boy's unrequited love for a slightly younger girl. Logan assures Veronica that during his dinner with Keith, he'll pretend his eyes are the only part of his body that have ever known Veronica in the Biblical sense. And she was always fully clothed, of course.

O.J. Simpson (People)

"I'm getting all these interview requests. Larry King wants me to come on with O.J.'s kids."

The second-most famous celebrity murderer in Neptune (after Aaron Echolls himself, of course), O.J. Simpson's trial for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend captivated the media and the general public in the mid-'90s. Simpson's two younger children, Sydney and Justin, who were nine and six years old respectively when their mother died, were caught in a custody battle between their father and their maternal grandparents. Logan can look on the bright side, though — with all the crap that was piled on him in the past two years, at least he could become an emancipated minor and avoid the custody issue altogether.

Who's Who bio: O.J. Simpson
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James Bond (Characters)

"I get to do the kickin'?"
"You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year."

James Bond, Ian Fleming's famous 007, is the epitome of the cunning, sexy, brilliant secret agent. In 1977's The Spy Who Loved Me, Bond was played by Roger Moore, who followed Sean Connery and George Lazenby as the third Bond. The spy in Bond's case is Major Anya Amasova, played by the current Mrs. Ringo Starr, Barbara Bach. However, Amasova really did love Bond, whereas, despite the fine line between love and hate, Veronica's feelings about Dick more resemble disgusted loathing than love.

Who's Who bio: James Bond
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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? (Words, Sayings, and Slogans)

"We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?"

This old saying was used to discourage young women from giving their, ahem, "greatest gift" to men before marriage. Why would a man want to actually marry a woman when he can get laid without the hassle and commitment? Dick puts a twist on this when he tells Veronica that the Pi Sigs not only have no need to marry the women in order to get laid; they also don't need to rape them. There are plenty of girls who are perfectly willing to throw themselves at these guys, and if they're that desperate, they all probably deserve each other.

I Love Lucy (TV)

"At least it's your job. I did it a couple of weeks ago for sport. I was so sure he was cheating, I decided to follow him. I wore a hat and sunglasses. Not my finest hour."
"No more I Love Lucy reruns for you."

In this 1950s comedy, Lucille Ball was known both for her physical comedy and for the sticky situations that her famous character, Lucy, found herself in. Lucy often wore disguises in public to fool friends or gain access to exclusive locations. But, being Lucy, something always went awry with her disguise, and she'd narrowly escape being discovered. Harmony isn't trying to score laughs when stalking her husband. She's looking for signs of his infidelity, but fortunately — or unfortunately, depending on your perspective — she finds none.

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Junior League (Organizations, Companies, and Products)

"Are we start going to church or are you addressing the Junior League?"

The Junior League is an international organization of young women that was formed in 1901 and has taken part on humanitarian projects, fundraising, community events, and other events, such as selling bonds during WWI and WWII, over the past century. Despite its work for the less fortunate, it has gained a reputation for being a slightly dull social climber's club for debutants. Keith hasn't quite grasped the concept of Veronica's "bland is the new hot," citing church or a Junior League meeting as the only places she would wear a beige pantsuit.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (TV)

"Is it possible your boyfriend's financial problems are just his champagne wishes and caviar dreams biting him on the ass?"

At the height of its popularity during the later Reagan years, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous was an ancestor of Cribs. Cameras revealed the lush surroundings of celebrities and moguls for us schlubs sitting on our futons at home, eating bean dip straight from the jar. British gossip columnist Robin Leach hosted the program with a distinctive (and often mocked) accent and the signature catch phrase, "champagne wishes and caviar dreams." Logan Echolls certainly qualifies as rich (for now), and he is fame-adjacent, just like Lourdes Ciccone Leon. Or Paris Hilton.

Women's Studies major (Ideas and Concepts)

"Hmm. Nice shoes. You change your major to Women's Studies?"

On Stereotype Island, where all PIs look like Columbo and all men who wear pink love Judy Garland, the sensible-shoe wearers are unibrowed, softball-bat-wielding feminists who make it their life's work to analyze the many ways their white-male-dominated society has punished their people in various ways and pigeonholed them into lower-paying jobs. Down with the man! Put on your sensible shoes so we can go march! Grab your granola and softball bats, jump in your Subarus, and let's go to the vegetarian-Thai place so we can do some planning, sisters!

Charleston Chew (Organizations, Companies, and Products)

"Your last name is Chu?"
"Charleston Chu?"

A Charleston Chew is a candy bar made of nougat covered with chocolate. It's named after the Charleston, a dance popular when the candy bar was created in 1922. The frat guy's name isn't really Charleston, but that's one of those hilarious jokes frat boys are known to come up with. Frat boys, like cheerleaders, are clever like that.

South Park (Movies, TV)

"Nope, it just means you're the most likely suspect, Token, and when the media circus starts, you know, like it did at Duke, that whole lacrosse rape scandal, who do you think they're gonna get to do the perp walk on the six o'clock news."

Token Black is the name of the only black classmate on the Comedy Central show, South Park. His name comes from the phrase "token minority," as in a non-white character put in a show to appease the non-white viewers. Veronica calls Charleston Chu "Token" because he is, indeed, the only non-white member of the fraternity.

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Duke Lacrosse Scandal (Events)

"Nope, it just means you're the most likely suspect, Token, and when the media circus starts, you know, like it did at Duke, that whole lacrosse rape scandal, who do you think they're gonna get to do the perp walk on the six o'clock news."

The Duke lacrosse scandal began in April 2006, when three members of Duke University's lacrosse team were accused of raping a stripper during a party. The stripper was black, the team members were white, and this has made the issue even more fraught than it would be otherwise. Hearst has a similar problem, and doing a perp walk is never a sign that you're moving up in the world.

StairMaster (Organizations, Companies, and Products)

"I heard noises, I started knocking, and then...then, like, Chip whips open the door, pissed off and out of breath."
"'Cause that's where his StairMaster is?"

This is the second time this season that the popular exercise machine has been referenced on Veronica Mars. We know Rob Thomas installed a new shower in his office at UPN The CW. Perhaps he put a StairMaster there as well. Veronica ponders sarcastically if Chip's huffin' and puffin' could be from the frat boy's efforts to get in shape. More likely they're from his efforts to get into some girl's pants.

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In flagrante (delicto) (Words, Sayings, and Slogans)

"He was buck naked and sweaty. Like I caught him in..."
"No, in the middle of sex."

Charleston's not far off, as "in flagrante (delicto)" means caught in the throes of sexual relations. A typical person nabbed red-handed (so to speak) during a hot-and-heavy tryst might, for example, cover oneself and begin to frantically hide the evidence. Dennis Rodman (or Shaggy) might choose to feign ignorance; others might choose to go about their business unfazed. Pi Sig president Chip prefers to simply sweat it out when cuckolded frat brother Charleston comes a-knocking.

Poltergeist (Movies)

"They're heeeeere"

One of the scariest movies, like, ever, Poltergeist was a 1982 film by none other than Steven Spielberg, starring Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams, and the preternaturally pretty little girl herself, Heather O'Rourke. She's the one who made spines tingle the world over with her immortal utterance of "They're here." Dick seems to think feminists on the frat-house doorstep are just as scary as evil spirits haunting a house and kidnapping a child into the netherworld. Eh, could be.

Thai massage (Things)

"Hey, I'm sorry it took so long. I went out for Thai and ended up getting a massage. You should have been more specific."

So, there is an actual form of massage therapy known as Thai massage which involves yoga-like positioning and lots of stretching and stuff. Maybe it's just because of Logan's tendency to go for double entendres, but we suspect he's probably talking about the other kind of Thai massage. The one that has a, uh, happy ending, if you get my drift.

Othello (Plays)

"You and Chip. Weren't you his date to the haunted house? I hear you went as the beast with two backs."

Shakespeare had a dirty mind! No, seriously. Translate most of his slang into modern vernacular, and it's a wonder it ever makes it into high school English curricula. In Othello, a reference is made to Othello and his wife, Desdemona, making "the beast with two backs." Think about it. Let your mind descend into the gutter for a minute (if it ever comes out in the first place). Two backs facing out...two fronts together... got it? See? Shakespeare was full of dirty, not-so-subtle innuendos, and Veronica rightfully assumes that Charleston Chu's girlfriend will know exactly what she's being accused of.

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Eli and Peyton Manning (Sports, Games and Toys, People)

"So, Dick, a rapist? Two in the same household? Possibly. Quarterbacks seem to run in the Manning family. I know Logan's always worried about being predestined for antisocial behavior."

What a couple of overachievers. Peyton Manning earned his bachelors' degree and Phi Beta Kappa honors (from the University of Tennessee) while managing to become the Southeastern Conference school's all-time leading passer. He was a number-one draft pick in 1998 and continues to serve as quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts. Not to be outdone, little brother Eli was a Dean's List scholar at the University of Mississippi, the number-one NFL draft pick in 2004, and starts each Sunday as quarterback for the New York Giants. Parents Archie and Olivia raised the pair with amazing values (or utilized experimental genetic engineering). The closest Dick Casablancas is getting to quarterback status is when he grabs change from a vending machine.
Veronica thinks it's not out of the realm of possibility that raping runs in the Casablancas family just like Q-Bing does in the Mannings.

"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (Literature)

"I followed the trust money. All the way down the rabbit hole."

Written in 1865 by Lewis Carroll, a clergyman and mathematician who almost certainly had a crippling dependence upon opiates, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is a time-honored classic of children's literature. Several characters and scenarios from the tale have entered the lexicon, including "down the rabbit hole," referring to Alice's initial plunge into a mystical land of tiny cakes and vaguely disturbing tea parties. Veronica takes a similar journey into a mystical land of bastardized Hollywood offspring.

Raincoats (Words, Sayings, and Slogans)

"They came back later, he bought his raincoats. One less bastard child conceived by morons."

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Wait, scratch that. Raincoats. Gotcha. "Raincoats" is slang word for condoms. It probably came from another euphemism for condoms, "rubbers." Of course, neither real raincoats nor condoms are likely to be made out of rubber, but whatever.

Money shot (Words, Sayings, and Slogans)

"I guess this is the money shot, right? I wanted proof; I got proof."

The "money shot" of a movie is the scene that cost the most money to produce (in terms of porn films, it's the, uh, climactic scene). Suspicious wife Harmony uses it here when she sees a photo of her husband kissing another woman, which was what she had hired Keith to discover. However, things were not all as they seemed.

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Bubbles the Monkey (People)

"So it's a piece of cake."
"A monkey with a friend who's a bank representative could do it."
"So, Bubbles, feel like doing me a solid?"

Bubbles is not actually a monkey. He is a chimpanzee. He also happened to be Michael Jackson's companion for many years, so he's probably got bigger things to worry about than being called a monkey by Veronica Mars. Anyway, he was certainly an [ape] with connections, having been BFF with MJ for all those years, but since he's been replaced by a younger chimp named Max and is now living on a secluded animal ranch, he probably couldn't do Veronica that favor anymore.

Star Trek (TV)

"Hello, Chip. Dick. Faceless Star Trek crew members."

Star Trek, The Original Series, was all about the cheese. William Shatner hamming it up as Captain Kirk, Leonard Nimoy smarting it up as Spock, and sexy sexy Nichelle Nichols, uh, sexing it up as Uhura. Aside from them and others in the main cast, there were always countless nameless extras to go along on missions. They also tended to be the ones who died on said missions. Veronica is probably hoping the line-less frat boys will have the same fate.

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Greek Drama (Literature)

"When did the Greek chorus of feminist shame arrive?"

In ancient Greek theater, the chorus served as the conscience, narrator, and public opinion all in one. Anywhere from three to twelve people were the chorus, at times interacting with the main characters, and at other times, simply providing commentary on the action. Members of the chorus were nearly indistinguishable from one another, acting as a single entity rather than as individuals. Which actually describes most of the feminist protesters pretty accurately, come to think of it. But would you really expect Veronica's comparison to be anything less than dead-on?

The Big Lebowski (Movies)

"Hey! Careful, man, there's a beverage here."

Did you think it was odd that Veronica used the term "beverage" to describe her bottled water? I mean, really, who even uses that word anymore? You know who? That's right: The Dude. Yes, this is yet another Big Lebowski reference. Since The Dude is drinking White Russians throughout the entire movie, it's only natural for him to be protective of his...beverage. Veronica is drinking bottled water. Veronica, you do realize water is...free, right?

Who's Who bio: Jeffrey Lebowski
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"Top of the World" (Music)

"Everything okay?"
"I'm top of the world, looking down on creation."

I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

This 1973 number-one hit by brother-and-sister duo Richard and Karen Carpenter captures Logan's buoyant mood perfectly after his appearance on Larry King, outing the real Charlie Stone as his brother. Except for the fact that Logan's probably not singing about Charlie's brotherly love, seeing as he still thinks Charlie sicced Vanity Fair on him.

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