3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf"
Aired Oct 24, 2006
Veronica: This is a bad idea.
Keith: No, it's not.
Veronica: You only think it's not 'cause you came up with it.
Keith: Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me plus idea equals good.
Logan: You were expecting Sidney Poitier?
Veronica: No jokes. No innuendoes, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.
Logan: Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.
Veronica: Go home.
Keith: So, how's school going, Logan?
Logan: Well, I'm actually not hating it. My grades aren't exactly—
Veronica: Oh, Hearst took him in late because of his high test scores.
Keith: What classes are you taking?
Veronica: Where is this going?
Keith: My end game is to find out what classes Logan is taking.
Logan: Just core stuff, you know, sociology, freshman comp. Mass com, which is kinda coming in handy. You know, apparently being the offspring of a murderer doesn't get old. I'm getting all these interview requests. Larry King wants me to come on with O.J.'s kids.
Keith: Oh, you thinking about it?
Keith: Why's that?
Veronica: Time out. Can we stay in the shallow end, please?
Keith: I'm sorry. I think it's a good call. I was just curious as to your reasons. I didn't realise I had to have the conversation vetted.
Veronica: I would've been happy to veto questions for you ahead of time.
Keith: Mmm, that would've been nice, huh?
Veronica: We could've packed a lunch and made a day of it.
Keith: Missed opportunity, if you ask me.
Veronica: A mistake you can learn from.
Keith: What then exactly am I allowed to ask Logan about?
Keith: What's the attraction?
Veronica: Don't answer that.
Veronica: Look. You live with one of my best friends. I'm gonna keep coming here and having doors shut in my face is gonna get—old. I have surprisingly strong legs and an hour before my next class.
Parker: Well. You wanna have a rap session? Maybe in our P.J.s? We can eat brownie batter and do each other's nails.
Veronica: Do you really think that when I walked in her that night, I thought, "Hmm. Look. Parker's getting raped. Now where are those movie tickets?"
Parker: No. You just figured the whore was getting her freak on.
Veronica: So, you're really mad because I thought you were a whore? Because lots of people think I'm a whore.
Parker: Don't pretend for a second to understand how I'm feeling.
Veronica: I understand exactly what you're feeling, Parker. I've been understanding since Shelly Pomroy's end-of-the-year party, summer of 2004. I'd give you the details, but they're a little fuzzy.
Nish: Parker, hi, I'm Nish. I'm the editor of the Hearst Free Press and I'd...Veronica. It's good to see you.
Veronica: And that's where we differ.
Wallace: I liked the other place you worked better.
Veronica: Think maybe that's because we had food there?
Wallace: Did you see this?
Veronica: "Pi Sig frat common thread in campus rapes."
Wallace: There was a Pi Sig event the night of every attack. There's a little graphic and everything.
Veronica: Colored ink. It must be true.
Wallace: The last girl, Claire, was at the Pi Sig haunted house the night she was raped.
Veronica: I trust Nish as far as I can throw her, but I can't throw those frat boys very far either. I'm feeling pretty anxious to give it a try, though.
Keith: Can I help you?
Dick: Do you know which one of these is Veronica's? Oh, guess so. This is so freaky. I've totally been to this complex before. We had to pick up our maid here once. Is Veronica home?
Dick: Ah, it's like a little kitchen area, huh? Oh, it's so awesome.
Veronica: If you're not gonna shoo it out with a newspaper, I'm stepping on it.
Dick: Hey, buddy. Hope it's not weird me just showing up. I can't believe I've known you forever and you've never had me over.
Veronica: You left a flaming bag of dog poo in front of our door one time. That was kind of a play date.
Dick: You saw that article about the Pi Sig house, right? That girl Claire gets raped after one of our parties, and suddenly, school's all in a bunch. There's like this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that's where you come in.
Veronica: I get to do the kickin'?
Dick: You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.
Veronica: Were they? That means so little.
Dick: They knew we had, like, this connection. So, they sent me here to hire you. We need you to do your Veronica thing and prove it's a pack of lies.
Veronica: Is it? A pack of lies?
Dick: We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?
Veronica: Maybe you guys should hire someone you don't disgust.
Harmony: So, you're just sitting there looking at his car?
Keith: Yeah. It's glamorous, I know.
Harmony: At least it's your job. I did it a couple of weeks ago for sport. I was so sure he was cheating, I decided to follow him. I wore a hat and sunglasses. Not my finest hour.
Keith: No more I Love Lucy reruns for you.
Keith: Is it possible your boyfriend's financial problems are just his champagne wishes and caviar dreams biting him on the ass?
Veronica: One solid-gold foosball table and a couple of man-servants and suddenly he's spendy.
Veronica: Umm, did you trip and fall onto sandalwood, musk, and a hint of spicy citrus or is that cologne?
Keith: It's aftershave. I'm going to traffic court.
Veronica: Sexy traffic court?
Keith: Hmm. Nice shoes. You change your major to Women's Studies?
Veronica: Ha! Yuk it up, fancy pants.
Veronica: Here's a fun thing to say to your beau: mind if I go put the screws to someone?
Logan: Go ahead, screw your brains out.
Charlotte: Do I know you?
Veronica: Oh, I'm friends with your boyfriend, Charleston...and your boy on the side, Chip.
Charlotte: What are you talking about?
Veronica: You and Chip. Weren't you his date to the haunted house? I hear you went as the beast with two backs.
Dick: You're torturing me.
Veronica: Without even trying? God, I'm good.
Dick: My brothers are all sorts of pissed. They think you're coming after them, instead of trying to find the real raper.
Veronica: Do you mean rapist? Learn the terminology.
Veronica: Logan said you showed up at his place the night of Parker's rape, all wrecked, saying you screwed up.
Dick: Whipped guys make the worst friends.
Logan: Perfect timing. I think Lonely Telescope Guy is getting tired of me just mooning him.
Veronica: Can I talk to you?
Nancy: You a little busy doing funnel shots with the Pi Sigs?
Veronica: Aren't you? I heard you went to their haunted house. That must have been fun. Did you go as a hypocrite?
Nancy: I went with Claire because we heard there was a grope room.
Veronica: And you were looking for a little grab-assing?
Nancy: A little poetic justice. They set up this boo room so they could fondle girls as they went through. So, we dressed up as rats and strategically put rat traps on all of our gropable parts.
Veronica: Okay, that is pretty genius.
Charlie: I started bugging my mom about who my dad was when I was, I don't know, six, seven. Then on my tenth birthday, my mom takes me to see Aaron Echolls in Thought Police. She points to the screen and she says, "That's the guy. That's your dad."
Logan: She took you to see Thought Police on your birthday? Did she hate you?
Charlie: I'm, like, mom, don't screw with my head. I'm ten. I can't deal with the news that the guy mind-wrestling with Stallone on screen knocked you up. She was a stewardess when she met Aaron. She said she met him working first class on an L.A. to New York red-eye. My mom is a looker.
Logan: Yeah, I'm sure she is.
Charlie: I didn't believe her 'til she showed me the cheques, the hush money. How many kids of single parent flight-attendants score the best private schools, still I'd see pictures of your family and think that life should be mine.
Logan: Nah, you don't want it. Trust me—
Charlie: No, I know, that's the thing. The more I watched, the happier I was that it wasn't my family. Your dad cheats on your mom, it's on the cover of People. Your sister shoots Nicole Richie with a BB gun, Jay Leno opens his monologue with it. Then the murder. I started wondering if something was wrong with me, you know, if this is my bloodline.
Logan: Yeah, join the club.
Veronica Voiceover: I have options. I could be excited for Logan. Thrilled, even, that his new brother is such a keeper. Or, I can be me.
Logan: So, it's Christmas, right? The entire family unit is around, which was rare. And I'm, I don't know, I'm nine and Aaron hands me a gift, but he notices the box has been re-wrapped, you know, so he knows I peeked. I'm nine years old, he's re-gifting me a fruit basket. He starts shouting about how I've ruined Christmas.
Charlie: Oh, my God.
Logan: Yeah. And he, uh, he tells me I'm not opening another gift until I eat all twelve pears in the box.
Charlie: Damn, man, the scissors incident, the drained swimming pool episode, now the box of pears.
Logan: Yeah. So, I'm eating the pears and taking my time, taking these dainty bites...the man comes unhinged. Takes these pears and just starts shoving them down my throat one after another. And then...and I'm choking but he doesn't stop until my mom holds a cheese knife to his throat. To this day, I puke if I smell a pear.
Veronica: Remember that case a couple years ago where that woman was impersonating her boss? How did you obtain the ATM photos that proved it?
Keith: I know a guy, a representative of the bank. He needs to request a court order and once the court order is issued, it only takes about an hour to get the photos.
Veronica: So, it's a piece of cake.
Keith: A monkey with a friend who's a bank representative can do it.
Veronica: So, Bubbles. You feel like doing me a solid? Hm?
Veronica: Hello, Chip, Dick, faceless Star Trek crew members.