3.03 "Wichita Linebacker"
Aired Oct 17, 2006
Veronica Voiceover: Football: the systematic violation of the Geneva Convention made into a sport. I'm surprised the ASPCA doesn't protest.
Logan: Oh boy — nudity.
Veronica: If you have words written on yourself, it's not nudity, it's political speech. Taking control of one's body to turn the objectifying male gaze back on itself—
Logan: Okay. No more college for you.
Veronica: New friends?
Logan: Yeah, from weightlifting class.
Veronica: Right! The only class you never miss. So what, guys, like, spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?
Logan: And have group sex in the showers. What is this, jealous?
Veronica: Oh, jealous would involve piano wire.
Veronica: Two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already, but whenever I want to do something interesting, you're busy.
Logan: You mean interesting like some fossil wheezing through a novel.
Veronica: First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college, we are supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking.
Logan: My horizons go slightly beyond that.
Veronica: Great. So, how about tonight we check out the art major group show?
Logan: I'm busy?
Logan: I have a class 'til ten, but, uh, if you come by afterwards, we could write on our ourselves. Get real, uh...political.
Veronica: That's what a girl likes to hear. "Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call."
Weevil: Guess I'll go wash some, uh, spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?
Veronica: I'm not spoiled. And, uh...technically, it wasn't for graduation.
Weevil: What about the bitch part?
Veronica: That depends on who you ask.
Veronica: How are you, Weevil? I haven't seen you...
Weevil: Since that awkward "arrested for murder" incident? Yeah, I remember!
Veronica: You plea bargained down to assault?
Weevil: And now I'm working at the car wash. Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound.
Piz: I don't wanna be one of those mumbly college radio, emo rocker guys who just, all they wanna do is play their band's demo, you know? Though, uh, I-I should mention that my band really is quite good. We're, we're called Black Licorice, which is really cool 'cause it's dark and moody, but at the same time it's candy, you know?
Trish: So, you're pitching what, exactly?
Piz: A call-in show. Um, political affairs, cultural affairs, whatever affairs. Witty, smart, little crazy. It's, it's like, it's like Jon Stewart meets Crossfire...if Jon Stewart didn't hate Crossfire.
Kurt: Hey, Trish — sorry, um, but you didn't see a big three-ring binder lying in my room this morning?
Trish: No. What's wrong?
Kurt: No, it's nothing. I'm just dead.
Dean O'Dell: We can download pictures from the surface of the moons of Jupiter onto portable phones, but we can't keep the air conditioning in this office running for more than a week at a time. Is there some clue about the human predicament buried in that fact?
Veronica: Uh...I'm a freshman. I only recently figured out where Waldo was.
Veronica: Your kids?
O'Dell: My wife, my son from a previous marriage, and my stepson. Mrs. O'Dell was my grad student back when we could do things like that.
Veronica: So staying on the team is worth five hundred dollars? Which is my fee.
Piz: That's what you charged me! You said it was your "friends rate."
Veronica: It was my "friends of friends" rate, which I have now extended to friends of friends of friends.
Dick: Veronica Mars. Modern college girl on the go.
Veronica: Dick Casablancas. Neolithic college boy on the sauce.
Dick: 'Kay. Not sure what "neolithic" is, but hey: I'm in college. Maybe someone'll teach me.
Veronica: I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help.
Keith: Level of "psyched" would depend on the "someone."
Veronica: Eli Navarro. Remember?
Keith: You mean Weevil? Oh, Veronica, please.
Veronica: Dad, I'm serious.
Keith: Oh, I don't know, all those times I arrested him he never struck me as great secretary material. Didn't he get busted for murder?
Keith: See, so he's not even a very good murderer.
Keith: Delivery's coming in this afternoon, so you're gonna stake the place out tonight. Are you familiar with these things?
Weevil: Yeah. Toasters, right?
Veronica: I'm so embarassed! I...it's a hazing thing, and my sorority said I had to break in and steal a jock. The little underwear, not, like, kidnap an athlete. God. Um, so, do you think maybe I could borrow one for an hour or two?
O'Dell: Collecting jocks, are we? You now have the most colorful disciplinary file in the freshman class.
Fern: It's insulting! You call us here for a meeting, and you strand us out there with those Lampoon jackasses?
Darren: Did somebody say my name?
Claire: Oh, great.
Stew: Oooh, nice office. It's good to be the dean!
Nish: Or did you call us in here because you changed your mind and you will stop these idiots from publishing their mysogynistic rag?
Stew: Idiots? Where? Wait, us?
Darren: Stop publishing? Why?
Claire: Because it's offensive to women.
Stew: I'm sorry, and did someone say "rag"?
O'Dell: My wife and I went out last night, came back to our Volvo bashed with what the mechanic hypothesized was a bat of some sort. Four thousand dollars in damage!
Fern: We didn't do that!
Stew: I agree, it's impossible. Where would militant feminists get ahold of a softball bat?
Logan: Hey. So, what am I, scale of one to ten?
Veronica: Um, one. Seven. Four? Help me with some criteria?
Logan: Gentlemanliness? Like how I resisted the impulse to make a so-called booty call last night...What?
Veronica: Just the other day, my dad was saying I had a thing for trying to reform unreformable bad boys.
Logan: What does that have to do with me? I'm reformable, good, and a man.
Logan: Hey, so you up for something tonight? Maybe Noam Chomsky is reading the Havana phone book somewhere.
Larry: What do you think?
Veronica: Um...it feels kinda...ehhh...
Larry: Let me guess: you're an art major.
Veronica: Interested amateur. It just looks like you're having muse trouble. Yeah, like your muse...isn't your muse anymore, because...she dumped you? For like, a meathead?
Larry: Look, whoever you are? I'm not a criminal mastermind — I'm just a painter.
Veronica: Yeah. Well, so was Hitler.
Veronica Voiceover: So how did people blackmail each other before email? Thirty years ago, I'd be here all night cutting letters from a magazine and getting glue everywhere.
Logan: You know, as adorable as it is when you do it to criminals, the surveillance thing is starting to bug.
Veronica: You said you'd come by.
Logan: Might come by.
Veronica: And then on your message I heard all this partying, and I wanted to know what was going on.
Logan: Yeah, and while I appreciate your interest, Big Brother, I hope—
Veronica: Wow, a 1984 reference. Did you read that in weightlifting?
Logan: You know, your dad was half-right: you have a thing for bad boys, but...you don't want to reform 'em, you just get off on judging them.
Veronica: Which reminds me, can I borrow your copy of A hundred and one brooding comments?
Logan: I only have the Cliff Notes. Look, I gotta run, so, uh...to save you the trouble, I'm surfing in Mexico with Dick and Mercer this weekend. I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more cell tracking charges, and I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you wanna stick my face in a cage of rats when I get back. ...Sorry, 1984 is the only book I read.
Veronica Voiceover: Now, maybe people would say they'd never install a tracking device in their significant other's car, but I think that's just because they don't know how.
Logan: Is this the help desk? 'Cause I need a little help.
Veronica: Let me guess: you have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?
Logan: No, it's more like, uh...what's beyond pathological?