2.15 "The Quick and the Wed"

Aired Mar 22, 2006


Cultural References

The Quick and the Dead (Movies)

Episode Title: "The Quick and the Wed"

In 1995, Sam Raimi took the classic western and the modern reality contest and created a masterpiece. Okay, not a masterpiece, but The Quick and the Dead wasn't that bad, given that it starred Sharon Stone as "The Lady" and Leonardo DiCaprio as "The Kid." Gene Hackman and Russell Crowe filled out the cast in a story of a town despot who ran an annual and literal "Last Man Standing" event for gunfighters. However, the best thing in the movie was the camera tricks. In the world according to Rob Thomas, "The Lady" is a runaway bride, "The Kid" is her sweet sister Jane, and the contest is "Last Viewer Standing" after previouslies that ran longer than Days of Our Lives. The best thing in the episode was Kendall's boobs.

Moses and the Tablets of Stone (Religion, Folklore, and Urban Legends)

"Well, if Veronica saw them. I mean, that's like Moses bringing tablets down the mountain to me."

Lambykins is being sarcastic, but really, he shouldn't be. Has he not yet learned that Veronica is more often right than she is wrong and that maybe he should treat her observations more seriously? Perhaps not quite as seriously as the first version of the Ten Commandments, written by God on two Tablets of Stone and carried down Mount Sinai by Moses. Sadly, Moses smashed them to pieces when he got to the bottom and saw the flaws of his people. People just like Lamb.

Who's Who bio: Moses
See all references about The Bible
Hollywood (Places)

The show isn't about Santa's workshop in the North Pole. It's all about Hollywood gossip and brings the viewers of Neptune an exposé on Aaron Echolls. "Peel away the phony tinsel from this town, and you know what you'll find? Real tinsel!" So proclaimed noted wit Oscar Levant, the man who knew Doris Day when she was a virgin. Levant hung around with members of the Algonquin Round Table, and since some of the members were popular newspaper columnists who repeated some of the conversations in their columns, the various quips got wide circulation. Whilst not of the caliber of Dorothy Parker's infamous response to being informed of the death of President Calvin Coolidge — "How can they tell?" — Levant's description endured as a nickname for Hollywood.

Cub Scout (People)

"Choir boy. Cub Scout. Starving actor. Mega-star. Husband. Father. Adulterer. Cradle-robber. Murderer. Who is the real Aaron Echolls?"

Aaron's c.v. is not untypical of good old American boys. If ever one was looking for proof that women are oppressed by language, one need go no further than considering the junior offshoots of the Scout movement. Mini-Boy Scouts are Cub Scouts — let cool images of playful cubs in the plains or in the woods ensue. Mini-Girl Scouts are Brownies. That's right. Brownies. Images of dense chocolate cake ensue. Girls cook, so let's remind them of their place in the kitchen. Okay, so maybe they meant the helpful little goblins of Scottish folklore, personages of small stature, wrinkled visage, covered with short curly brown hair, wearing a brown mantle and hood, and attached to particular families, threshing the corn, cleaning the house, and doing other chores. Yeah, that's better.

See all references about Boy Scout
Clash of the Titans (Movies)

Gloriously silly, star-studded, swords-and-sandals epic entertainment from 1981, Clash of the Titans was most noted for being the last great work of special-effects creator Ray Harryhausen. Harryhausen was already the word in stop-motion "kinetic sculpture," and this tale of Perseus and his derring-do could not have been made without him. A movie that is genuinely old Hollywood, it starred the young Harry Hamlin. No idea what it's doing in a retrospective of the work of Aaron Echolls. The imposter! Release the Kraken!

See all references about Clash of the Titans
Tossed salad (Words, Sayings, and Slogans)

"Dude, your dad's really leaned out in the big house. Probably all those tossed salads, huh?"

Yes, Dick, prisons are renowned for their provision of fresh vegetables and healthy food that allows the inmates to reach the peak of physical fitness. Aaron is no doubt treating his body to tossed salads every day at...hmm? What? What do you mean there's an urban definition that Dick probably meant? It means what? Tonguing where? WHAT? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Gollum (Characters)

"Wow. Somebody parked a diamond Volkswagen on your finger."
"It's ours. We wantsss it."

Maggie's eyes boggle at the size of Heidi's engagement ring. Boggling eyes and rings are inexorably linked to the greedy, obsessed, and ultimately tragic Gollum, from The Lord of the Rings. Maggie didn't even need to sibilate, but effect of the ring's power on the weak-minded is too ssstrong for her and she ssssssstresssssssessssssssss her essssssessssss regardlesssssssssss.

See all references about The Lord of the Rings
Bacchus (Religion, Folklore, and Urban Legends)

"This is just the first stop of the No Holds Barred Bacchanalia!"

Lock up your sons! The hens are abroad! Hooray for drunken orgies! Heidi promises that her stag night is not a dud for starting in Java the Hut, but just the start of an evening of debauchery and criminal activities, such as were celebrated in the days of togas in honor of Bacchus, the Roman god of wine and intoxication. Originally restricted to three days a year and women-only, admitting men to the Bacchanalia led to a revised schedule — five days a month. Hmm. Wonder why that happened. Things got so out of hand that the Roman Senate eventually banned them. Party poopers.

Michael Ausiello (People)

How difficult is it to talk a TV columnist onto the show and out of his underwear? Not at all, according to Heidi, who easily achieves task two of her Bachelorette Scavenger Hunt. Did she promise to dish the dirt on Rob Thomas's laundry? Was a night of passion promised with Kristen Bell? Or Jason Dohring? Were there lashings of Diet Raspberry Snapple to be had? We know the truth. In our very own MI.net Report, we can reveal that it took a gargantuan effort to get the TVGuide.com diva and long time supporter of Veronica Mars...from hogging the screen at any opportunity. Not that he wouldn't be an asset, but there was no getting over the devastating and distracting effect on men and women alike of the thought of his being commando.

The Runaway Bride (Movies)

"Do you mind helping me out? A friend's sister is missing, a runaway bride thing."
...
"You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart. I guess if I do find my runaway bride, we'll have the next twelve hours to discuss the matter while waiting for the next train home from San Luis Obispo."

Julia Roberts didn't invent the concept of runaway brides, but her 1999 feature with Richard Gere was fresh in the minds of public and press when a real-life runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, appeared...disappeared...then reappeared in 2005, and a media circus, much like that described in the movie, ensued. In the frenzy, the real stars were the spin-offs; like the "experts" who used the occasion as an opportunity to pontificate on racism (due to Wilbanks falsely alleging that she had been abducted by a Hispanic male and white female) and individual responsibility for wasted public funds, to the enterprising "Jennifer's High Tailin' Hot Sauce."

"Home Sweet Home" (Music)

"Be it ever so disgusting, there's no place like Heidi's."
"Okay, her apartment being ransacked, not a good sign."
"It's okay, this is how it always looks."

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home

There's something poignant about an itinerant American abroad penning lyrics that spoke so yearningly of home, but such was John Howard Payne. Written in 1823 with Henry Bishop, who composed the music, the song has long outlived anything else either did in their lifetimes. Aww. One line in particular became so popular that it made appearances on slip covers and embroidered wall hangings everywhere in America — becoming as American as apple pie, despite its English origins. Perhaps there's even a sampler on a pillow on Heidi's couch. Sadly, the state of her apartment precludes confirmation.

Cholo (Words, Sayings, and Slogans)

"Logan, let me remind you, the prosecution has witnesses, the good kind, eye-witnesses."
"Cholo lowlives and a lying, cokehead plastic surgeon."

In the great tradition of tongue-twisters, it is surprising that "Cholo lowlifes" does not rank with "toy boat" and "red leather, yellow leather." Try it. Now. Say "Cholo lowlifes" over and over very fast. See? Can't get to the second one, can you? Fortunately for Jason Dohring, Logan only has to insult the PCH bikers once and we don't get to watch that adorable potty mouth struggle. The word "Cholo" has a long and rich history, having been used, always demeaningly, for both those of mixed Spanish or European/Amerindian blood or, by Americans, for Mexicans generally. Of couse, Logan's slightly off, as although cholos are commonly associated with the criminal classes these days, they usually come with a specific wardrobe — chinos, wifebeaters, and flannel shirts buttoned only at the top. And bandanas or hairnets. I don't think Hector wears a hairnet.

See all references about Racial slang
T-shirt: "I'm with Stupid" (Organizations, Companies, and Products)

"Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an 'I'm with Stupid' T-shirt."

Ah, Cliffie, we love you, and the idea of you standing up in court next to Logan so attired is enticing. Gentle reader, you may be curious to know how we decide on the site what to put in this section. One person lists all the cultural references (or CRs as we affectionately call them) they found in the episode. The episode is then assigned to a writer who goes through the episode themselves and pulls out anything else they find, writes the references up, and submits them for editing. Now, there is a certain backasswardness to this, because, although we prefer to pretend we just threw these together, we do actually research the terms and think about what we write. This takes time and sweat and blood. The editors then discuss whether or not each is actually a CR. Of course, if they decide it isn't, they risk the wrath of the writer who has given her bodily fluids. So you might occasionally find yourself reading a CR that is only a CR in the writer's mind. (For a prime example, according to my colleagues, see the CRs for 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner.") Then again, there are times when the writer is faced with something that others swear is a CR but the writer can't for the life of her figure out why, can't find anything to substantiate it, and can't think of anything to write. Dear readers, this is one of those times. (See what I did there?)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Movies)

"I'm here to tempt you, Aaron."
"Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say, 'With what'?"
"Huge tracts of land? More action than I can handle?"

She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got...huge tracts of land...and Kendall uses them, adjusting her zippered shirt accordingly, to separate Aaron from his money. How much more appropriate would it have been if she opened with "Wi nøt invest in høldings in Sweden this yær"? That's a county where big freakin' knockers can stand proud. This entry, like the film it and the VM writers lovingly honor, is brought to you by Ralph the Wonder Llama, six Venezuelan Red Llamas, 142 Mexican Whooping Llamas, fourteen North Chilean Guanacos (closely related to the llama), Reg Llama of Brixton, and 76,000 Battery Llamas from 'Llama Fresh Farms Ltd' near Paraguay. And the swallow who is taking time off from calculating his average unladen airspeed velocity to discover his African European roots.

The Silence of the Lambs (Movies)

"I get it. I can help. But quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo."
"Impressive Hannibal."

The movie is a gory thriller about the unsettling relationship between a psychopath and a bright young woman who fights evil, complete with disturbing views about transgendered people and men who like to collect butterflies. Oh, and the psychopath, Hannibal Lector, likes to eat people with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Creepy Aaron proves that he's no Anthony Hopkins, but at least he knows his movie history.

Easy Rider (Movies)

"What's up, you?"
"What? Nothing."
"You lie. Easy Rider? Your choice, not mine."

Logan's favorite movie isn't quite so appealing to Hannah. Perhaps she's not into road movies from the hippie era. Maybe she's not a sucker for the charms of Dennis Hopper, Peter Fonda, or Jack Nicholson. It could be that she doesn't see the apocalyptic tale of two drug dealers traveling across the South of a bigoted and corrupt America as a reflection of the hopes of liberation and fears of the Establishment of youth. Nah, it wasn't any of those things. Hannah just wanted to get her hands on Logan's nipples. And frankly, who can blame her?

Fantasy sport (Sports, Games and Toys)

"Hey, uh, while you two are in the kitchen, do you mind if I use your computer for a second? I just want to check some fantasy scores."

No. This isn't about couch potatoes pretending to be superstars of track, field, pitch, court, and stadium. This is about couch potatoes pretending to be managers of teams of same, deluded by the thought that they know better than the professionals. They play out their theories in virtual games, fed by information and statistics from the real world. In Logan's case, it is fantasy basketball. Then again, in Logan's case, it really is a fantasy as he has no intention of checking scores. Instead he's scoring checks on Dr. Griffith's perjury activities.

Tracy McGrady (People)

"God bless Tracy McGrady."

Ever fey, Logan tosses a pretend ball towards a pretend hoop in honor of his pretend fantasy basketball team member. To be the fantasy object of a screwed-up teenager can't be any more disturbing than being a basketball player named Tracy.

Who's Who bio: Tracy McGrady
Goldilocks and the Three Bears (Literature)

"That guy's too big. That guy's too small. That guy's...not a guy, just in desperate need of a stylist. But that guy looks just right."

Veronica searches amongst the One-Eyed Ducks for the bowler whose torso was shot stalking missing bride Heidi. As she uses both eyes to scan the team, she can't help but draw on the adventures of fairy-tale heroine Goldilocks, a small blonde, contemplating the beds of variously sized bears. Children's stories are so enduring that they are frequently subverted to describe more adult themes, as is the case here, or ADULT themes, as would be a question which occupied her in Season One, "Who's been bowling in Veronica's alley?"

Who's Who bio: Goldilocks
The Big Lebowski (Movies)

"Vinnie! This is not 'Nam; this is bowling. There are rules."

When Mr. Van Lowe, obviously not a golfer given the size of his balls, offers the underaged Veronica beer at the bowling alley, she resorts to quoting directly from her favorite movie which isn't South Park. It's not such a surprise that Veronica knows by heart the script of the Coen Brothers 1998 anarchic comedy of dudes, rugs, and bowling buddies, for even the sleepy UPN CW censors will not let slip past them four-letter words of the F variety. This means Veronica only has to have memorized the six lines that are usable.

Who's Who bio: Jeffrey Lebowski
See all references about The Big Lebowski
Ivan Pavlov (People)

"What can you tell me about—"
"Nothing."
"Of course. Your Pavlovian response."

In Pavlov's most famous experiment, he conditioned dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell. See, first, he got them to associate the sound of the bell with food, which would make them salivate. But then he took away the food! And they still salivated because the brain is DUMB and thinks bell = food, no matter what. Clearly, Vinnie has been asked "What can you tell me about..." so many times that he automatically responds with "Nothing," because the brain is SMART and knows answers = trouble.

Who's Who bio: Ivan Pavlov
Curious George (Literature)

"Ah, that, Curious Georgette, is P.I.-client privilege."

Curious George is a cheeky little monkey who stars in his own series of children's books. Always getting into trouble, Curious George has been delighting children since 1941. And while Vinnie is just trying to throw Veronica off his scent, we can certainly see the similarities between our own Miss Mars and George — aside from her non-monkeyness, that is. And hey, I think we've finally found someone that's shorter than Kristen Bell!

Who's Who bio: Curious Georgette
Tawny Kitaen (People)

"The one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I'd wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would've gotten a nipple pierced."

Tawny Kitaen got her start showing off her mile-long legs in Whitesnake videos and later married the lead singer. After that marriage ended in divorce, she was later linked with a multiplicity of men, including the legendary Tommy Lee. Oh, and Jon Stewart. Seriously. Anyway, Heidi's asshat future-ex-fiancé is implying that Heidi is a band slut, a groupie, a sex kitten. Whatever, Paul, it's not like you're such a catch!

Who's Who bio: Tawny Kitaen
Cupid (TV)

"So how does it feel to play Cupid?"

Originally the Roman god of love, modern-day Cupid is associated with chubby cherubim, Valentine's Day, matchmaking, and Jeremy Piven. Hopefully Wallace isn't trying to compare Veronica to that Cupid. His show didn't last too long.

Who's Who bio: Cupid
See all references about Cupid

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