2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend"
Aired Nov 30, 2005
Ms. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to parenthood.
Veronica: So that's where babies come from.
Ms. Hauser: Now, find a partner, pick a baby.
Veronica: Oh. Aren't we supposed to have a shot of tequila first?
Veronica: I don't see any cameras here. There's no way you can prove that I broke in.
Clemmons: How else could you have gotten your hands on the drug testing results?
Veronica: The faked drug test results? Lemme walk you through it. Usually, when I save your butt, I start by —
Clemmons: What else have you stolen from my school? I can't imagine that all these keys belong to your property. For instance, what's this one for?
Veronica: That one? Let's see...that one opens a Duraguard file safe manufactured prior to 1990.
Clemmons: And, uh, this one?
Veronica: Fits any Vespa scooter. What? I like to come prepared.
Veronica Voiceover: Principal Moorehead, you old star-stroker. If Logan's sister is back in Neptune, that must mean she was the first one booted off The Surreal Life this season.
Clemmons: This is going to take you a very long time if you plan to read each individually.
Veronica: I was just —
Clemmons: Snooping through school property. Isn't that what landed you here in detention?
Veronica: Ever hear of genetics, kid? Thanks to your grandma, I've got a 50-50 shot of becoming an alkie. Guess that makes your odds 1 in 4, which isn't so bad. Oh, and there's also this latent mean girl gene. You're lucky you're made out of plastic.
Veronica: Well there you go, kid. Here's life lesson number one: what goes around, comes around.
Veronica: You've been working here for, what, like, ever? Any idea what my mom did her senior year to get herself suspended?
Clemmons: Let me get this straight: you want follow-up on what I explicitly forbade you from doing yesterday?
Clemmons: More alphabetizing, less cold-casing.
Veronica Voiceover: Alas, it seems that sign language isn't at all like riding a bicycle.
Veronica: Principal Moorehead?
Moorehead: Veronica. I see that Mr. Clemmons is failing in his prime directive.
Veronica: What's that?
Moorehead: Keeping you out of my face.
Moorehead: I'm sure your mom turned into a terrific person.
Trina: And you look fantastic! That look is so great. J'adore. So how've you been? I mean, aside from that whole mess with Dad and all.
Veronica: What, that? It's water under the bridge.
Trina: Great! I've really been meaning to call you. There has been some super-exciting news with the project. Three words: Evan. Rachel. Wood.
Trina: She's gonna play you in The Aaron Echolls Story! Name change, since you and your dad won't sign the release forms. It's such a great part! It was all over the trades, you didn't see it?
Veronica: I...don't know how I missed it.
Trina: You! Should audition for the play! Oh, you can audition using anything. Frankly, we need some pretty girls.
Veronica: Yeah. Thanks anyway, I can't act.
Trina: Oh, acting's overrated. You've got presence, sweetie. Listen, we'll catch up later. Right now, my company needs me. The play is my master and I am its whore!
Kendall: Someone request turn-on service?
Duncan: I'm pretty sure it's called turn-down service.
Kendall: Oh. Well, who would want that?
Kendall: Oh my God! Tell me that is not a baby!
Duncan: Don't be silly. It's an animatronic parental lifestyle simulator.
Kendall: Let me take you for a ride.
Duncan: A ride.
Kendall: Big D's Maserati's downstairs. You gotta check it out — you would look so hot in it.
Duncan: Can't I just be loved for me?
Kendall: The Maserati retails for a hundred and fifty grand, but I'll let you have her for half that. You do know how to drive stick, don't you?
Kendall: Don't worry, I'll teach you. The fun way. We don't even have to leave the couch.
Kendall: Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? You don't need Sex Ed; I am Sex Ed.
Kendall: Hi, baby! What took you so long?
Logan: Mm. Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, I'd have raced home.
Kendall: I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share. Or take turns or something.
Logan: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.
Veronica: Sorry I'm late.
Keith: Almost started without you. You'd've missed out on my chili surprise.
Veronica: You made chili?
Trina: Wait a minute. Are you, like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he, thirteen?
Kendall: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?
Logan: Oh yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode hard, meet put away wet.
Trina: I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.
Kendall: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?
Trina: There is. I don't think you'd like it, it's twenty-one and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese, though, if you're free. 'Kay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp. He's got school tomorrow. 'Night, all.
Logan: Well, the joke's on her: she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.
Veronica Voiceover: Which is more torturous: organizing disciplinary files, or spending lunch watching the Bard get flogged by the second lead of Wilder Things?
Kendall: Gee, Cassidy. I didn't think you liked me.
Cassidy: I don't. But I find value in your desperation.
Keith: If she didn't split Jake and your Mom up, well...you wouldn't have me. And that means you wouldn't be you, Veronica.
Veronica: And that would be bad, right?
Keith: Right. So try to keep that in mind when I tell you this. A Jane Doe baby was delivered to the Balboa County Hospital on May 8th, 1980.
Veronica: That's weird.
Keith: Gets weirder. They found the baby in the girl's bathroom during the Neptune High School Prom.
Keith: You don't actually listen when I talk, do you?
Veronica: You're it!
Duncan: Hey, now, you're not about to badmouth Celeste, are you?
Veronica: Heavens, no. I mean, what could I say about that...saint? She is a warm-hearted, good-humoured, lovely woman of high breeding and impeccable social grace.
Celeste: Why, thank you, Veronica.
Celeste: What is she doing here?
Veronica: "She" meaning me? I guess I'm here as Duncan's secret girlfriend. Oh! And we have a love child. Wanna hold her? She's snuggly.
Celeste: I'll pass.
Celeste: I told your father something like this would happen. This is exactly why we should have taken you up to Napa.
Veronica: Not in front of the baby!
Celeste: This isn't amusing, Veronica.
Veronica: It's not. Me, breeding with a Kane? No laughing matter. But look: no one has to know, right? Worst case scenario, things don't work out, I'll just dump her off at the big dance. It worked at your prom, didn't it?
Celeste: Does she ever make sense, Duncan?
Veronica: Does she ever thaw out, Duncan?
Celeste: When I look at your face, all I see is your drunk slut of a mother.
Celeste: Look, Duncan, she can't just—
Duncan: Veronica, I need a moment alone with my mom.
Veronica: Sure. We'll be in the bedroom. You don't mind your dirty laundry mixing with your clean laundry, do you?
Logan: Well, I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.
Weevil: I thought you killed Felix!
Logan: I didn't.
Weevil: Yeah. I pretty much know that now.
Logan: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?
Weevil: We have something in common now: we both need to find out who killed Felix.
Logan: So what, we team up? Get matching capes, I ride shotgun in a sidecar?
Weevil: Somethin' like that, but not yet. You see, I can't let you leave here lookin' the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.
Mac: Phoenix Land Trust, Inc. Cassidy Casablancas, CEO.
Cassidy: Nice. I would totally trust this company with my money.
Mac: And it'll work wonders with the ladies. Chicks dig scars and acronyms.
Cassidy: Good to know.
Mac: I'm a giver of info.
Cassidy: Yeah, well, as much as I'd like to impress the ladies with my title, I actually need the CEO to be listed as Kendall Casablancas.
Mac: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just...tip me off when you're going public.
Cassidy: You know, I think that might be illegal.
Mac: Still. You're admiring my moxie, aren't ya?
Cassidy: Somethin' like that.
Veronica: Trina, I was lying. That whole bit about wanting to try out for the play, a lie. The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.
Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.
Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious.
Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.
Veronica: Um...I was gonna use this audition tape to smoke her out. Shame her. I was gonna send the video to all the tabloids.
Trina: You're a rascal, Veronica Mars.
Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else less flattering.
Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least Big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.
Trina: Look, it's lunchlady Doris. Doris was so nice to me when I went here. Used to always give me extra cake.
Veronica: Actually, her name is Mary.
Trina: Really. I guess I just decided to call her Doris.
Trina: You know, when I was a kid, I used to imagine that someday I'd find out my parents were, like, movie stars.
Veronica: Trina, your parents actually were movie stars.
Trina: Hey, pops. Hope I'm interrupting.
Moorehead: Trina! Glad to see you're feeling better, I'd heard that you were—
Trina: At death's door? And when exactly were you planning to hook me up with a little bone marrow?
Moorehead: Perhaps we should take this outside.
Trina: Oh, come on, Dad. It's the least you can do for your daughter, after dumping me in the john on prom night.
Keith: Hey. You grab dinner yet?
Veronica: Funny you should ask. I'm not actually that hungry. I was scrounging through the old fridge for a little study snack and I'm not normally a corn dog type of girl, but this is gonna put me off them forever. Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer, or do we have a slam-dunk lawsuit against the processed food industry?
Veronica: You sly old dog.
Clemmons: Your sentence is up, Veronica. Unless you're here to atone for something I don't yet know about.
Veronica: Deducing I had a key to your office, now that was clever. Obviously you had to find a way to stick me in detention. That way, you could be sure I'd find my way into my mom's permanent file.
Clemmons: What are you going on about?
Veronica: You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you? Oooh. Nice. Not taking credit for it — even more badass.