2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword"

Aired Sep 28, 2005


  • Veronica Voiceover: Normal. That's the watchword. Sounds good, doesn't it? Senior year begins tomorrow and all appears hunky dory. Best friend? Check. Boyfriend? Check. Lilly's killer behind bars? Check.

  • Kelvin: I just got kicked out of athletics for my entire senior year. I failed the mandatory drug test.

    Veronica: So what's new, Kelvin? You failed it last year, too, if I remember correctly.

    Kelvin: Yeah, but I'm clean now, for goin' on ten months.

    Veronica: Give me your hands, look into my eyes, and swear to that fact.

    Kelvin: Veronica, I swear that there is no possible way I could've failed that drug test.

    Veronica: Hm.

    Kelvin: So am I lyin'?

    Veronica: I don't know.

    Kelvin: Then what was all that for?

    Veronica: I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

  • Veronica: You were very convincing, but I don't do that kind of work anymore.

    Kelvin: So who's supposed to help me out, then?

    Veronica: Encyclopedia Brown? I hear he's good.

    Kelvin: I guess it's true what they say about you then, huh?

    Veronica: Probably, but you're gonna have to narrow it down for me.

  • Manager: Your dad's hot.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Suffice to say, I've got plenty of material for any back-to-school "What I did last summer" essay I'm asked to write.

  • Wallace: You didn't call me back last night.

    Veronica: Don't go gettin' all girl on me.

  • Wallace: I failed my drug test. I'm booted from athletics for the whole year.

    Veronica: You don't do drugs.

    Wallace: No duh, Sherlock. And it wasn't just me. Five of us total failed — and Jimmy Day, our starting quarterback, he passed it. And everybody saw him blazin' one up down on the boardwalk.

  • Wallace: So you'll help?

    Veronica: Do you even have to ask? Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in...

  • Veronica: Hey, what period do you have office aide this year?

    Wallace: Believe it or not, I didn't sign up for a second year of office aide.

    Veronica: Yeah, that doesn't work for me.

    Wallace: Well, you can take that up with Moms. She had these crazy ideas about me havin' a well-rounded education. But, don't underestimate me. The master key. Yeah. And I got all the administrative passwords I could get my hands on.

    Veronica: Ooh, you're good.

    Wallace: You know, you know. I get all my criminal tendencies from you.

  • Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?

    Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.

    Veronica: This is not really their M.O.

    Wallace: I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.

  • Wallace: So where's your boyfriend? I expected to be ignored at lunch today.

  • Veronica: So — and I mean other than me — can you think of anyone who would want to do this to you?

    Kelvin: No. People love me.

    Veronica: No, they don't. You pick on the weak and helpless.

  • Kelvin: This kid, a sophomore, they call him Butters. You know, he was climbing the pegboard in gym class before PE last year. Tryin' to show off. It pissed me off.

    Veronica: So?

    Kelvin: So I pantsed him! It was hysterical!

    Veronica: Wow, you're cool.

  • Veronica: I heard that you were kicked off the cheerleading squad.

    Meg: Yeah, but you know me, I'm a major stoner. It was really affecting me, too, I was like, "Let's go! Let's go! L-E-T-S...duh..."

  • Veronica: Can you think of anyone who might have done this to you?

    Meg: Well, there is this one person. I used to think she was a friend, but, uh...but yeah, yeah, now that I think about it, she'd have no reservations and she definitely has the talent to pull it off. Let me know if you have any luck tracking her down, 'kay?

  • Wallace: Know what else I found out today? This failed drug test goes on my permanent file. Any college I apply to is gonna see it.

    Veronica: Well, if you would've taken another year of office aide we could've done something about that file.

    Wallace: Yeah, 'cause this is my fault.

  • Wallace: Did you learn anything today?

    Veronica: Kelvin Moore, while giving up his pot-smoking ways, has not given up being an obnoxious jackwad.

  • Veronica: I know a 24-year-old floozie who thinks you're hot.

    Keith: This floozie, did you get her digits?

    Wallace: Hey, all right now, don't make me have to go home and tell my mama.

    Keith: Wallace, your mother and I have an understanding.

    Veronica: You do?

    Keith: Yes, and it's this: I behave myself, and she doesn't leave me. So please, tell her nothing, other than I worship the ground on which she treads.

    Wallace: I'm leavin' now.

    Keith: The ground on which she treads. You might want to write that down.

    Wallace: Got it.

  • Keith: So. Senior year. How was your first day of school, honey?

    Veronica: Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money, and then skipped out after lunch.

    Keith: What, no premarital sex?

    Veronica: Oh. Yeah. Yes. But don't worry, Dad — I swear you're gonna like these guys.

    Keith: That's my girl.

    Veronica: I missed you.

    Keith: Ah, I missed you too. Now where's my turkey pot pie, woman?

  • Veronica: Butters?

    Vincent: "Butters" is the name of the weak, loser suck-up on South Park. "Butters" implies soft, fat...

    Veronica: But oh so delicious.

    Vincent: My given name is Vincent.

    Veronica: I hear you were pantsed in gym last spring, Vincent.

    Vincent: Are you requesting a private viewing?

    Veronica: And now, the guy who pantsed you and all the people who might have chuckled end up kicked off athletics for the year. Curious.

    Vincent: Justice. It can be a bitch.

    Veronica: You're playing a dangerous game. Kelvin will take your head off if I tell him you're the reason he's off football this year.

    Vincent: You know what? I don't think he will. Hey, Pop.

    Mr. Clemmons: Son.

  • Wallace: Permanent files are in that brownish-beige filing cabinet.

    Veronica: I can't believe after a year of working here you don't know the make and model of the filing cabinet.

    Wallace: Yeah, it is hard to believe. Usually, memorizing that information is the first thing I do when I enter a room containing a filing cabinet.

  • Veronica: Scary, isn't it? The lax security? What if someone was trying to alter your permanent file?

    Wallace: We're trying to alter it, right now.

    Veronica: Alter it back. There's a difference.

    Wallace: Alter it back. Cool. I was wondering where we were drawing that ethical line this year.

  • Wallace: So there's no alterations, there's no forgery...

    Veronica: So it appears.

    Wallace: So I'm screwed, basically.

    Veronica: Unless...the results were accurate.

    Wallace: [Rastafarian accent] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoke so much ganja, I don't even remembah doin' it.

  • Veronica: Eat any mystery brownies lately?

    Wallace: Spirit b—! [quieter] Spirit boxes! The day of the Back to School Athletics Banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.

    Veronica: Did you eat one?

    Wallace: I ate six.

    Veronica: That's my Wallace.

  • Veronica: My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.

    Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue.

    Veronica: ...And that telescope is mounted on a rifle.

    Logan: [mouthing] Five more minutes.

  • Logan: You should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just lookin' to get laid.

    Veronica: Wait. What are you saying, you're not pretty?

    Logan: What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with you.

    Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base...

  • Veronica: [knocking] Are you done yet?

    Wallace: It is never going to happen if you keep doin' that!

    Veronica: I see. Stage fright? I'm making you nervous. Well, according to the box we only need a few drops and it'll test for cocaine, steroids, pot...

    Keith: What's up, honey?

    Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

    Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

  • Veronica: Come on, you're a man. Can you give him some pointers?

    Keith: Wallace?

    Wallace: Yep.

    Keith: You try turning the water on?

    Wallace: Mm-hmm.

    Keith: Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

    Wallace: Aaaahhhh, man!

    Veronica: Gross!

    Keith: Honey, it works!

    Veronica: I can barely even look at you now.

    Keith: I can't believe how squeamish you are.

  • Veronica: If I know the name of a corporation, how do I find out the names of its shareholders?

    Keith: You get the strangest homework in health class.

    Veronica: Can you keep your trap shut if we tell you why we need it? No running off and telling your girlfriend.

    Keith: Agreed.

    Veronica: Wallace has been kicked out of athletics for his entire senior year for failing the mandatory drug test. But Wallace is clean. See for yourself.

    Keith: Himah-oah-ah...I take your word for it.

  • Wallace: So what's the plan?

    Veronica: We're gonna scare 'em.

    Wallace: How is that gonna help me?

    Veronica: Well...it'll be fun.

  • Veronica: She's taking anyone from newspaper, yearbook, and broadcast news class who wants to tour Shark field tomorrow.

    Wallace: Wow. I can't believe you're going.

    Veronica: I like baseball.

    Wallace: Yeah, but you don't like people.

    Veronica: I love people. I'm a people person!

  • Logan: My sister is negotiating with networks to sell her version of the Aaron Echolls story. I think the sticking point is she's insisting she play herself. The producers, on the other hand, are insisting on Tara Reid.

    Veronica: Trina wasn't even around.

    Logan: Who do you suppose cares? I always wanted a TV movie version of my life. Hey, you think they could get Tom Welling to play me?

    Veronica: Dream on.

  • Dick: Logan! And Logan's special lady friend who I approve of wholeheartedly and without reservation.

  • Dick: Don't make me go in there and get all Ordinary People on you, Beav.

    Beaver: The older brother drowns, dumbass.

  • Kendall: Welcome home, children. How was school? Who wants a Rice Krispie treat?

    Beaver: Gee, Mom, you're the best, but I'll pass.

    Kendall: Hm.

    Beaver: You met Mumsie, right?

    Dick: The club, the clambake. Remember? God, you're retarded.

    Beaver: And yet it's a miracle that I managed to score 400 points higher than you on my SATs, huh?

    Kendall: Now boys, you don't want me to tell your father you couldn't play nice.

    Logan: Uh, I want a Rice Krispie treat.

    Kendall: Go make it yourself then, kid. Do I look like a cook?

  • Logan: So where did your dad meet her?

    Dick: She was a Laker Girl. And...you know my dad. He has good seats.

  • Logan: Ah, young love.

    Duncan: You're coming on the field trip? I figured you and the other Jets would be rumbling with the Sharks.

    Logan: Cool it, Action.

  • Dick: Miss Dumbass!

    Miss Dumas: It's "du-mahs," Dick.

    Dick: Well, my name's pronounced "Ree-shard," and it stinks back here.

  • Dick: Hey, who's the lovely young flower blossoming into womanhood?

    Duncan: Let me guess: you want to pluck her.

  • Logan: Hey, uh, can Dick and Beaver come out and play?

    Kendall: Let's see if we can find them.

  • Woody Goodman: Why do I love baseball? The home run. The long ball. I'll admit it: I'm no purist. Give me an 11 to 9 slugfest and I'm in heaven.

    Beaver: Ah, so that's why Sharks pitching sucks.

  • Woody: So, I thought I'd invite the journalism classes out and give Gia a chance to make some new friends.

    Dick: Hello. Friend.

    Gia: Hello. Okay, so far, working.

  • Gia: Okay, just so everyone knows, I don't always dress like this. I didn't know if you guys were doing, like, relaxed beachy, or the West-Coast-wannabe-East-Coast urban, so FYI, it's not a statement. I'm just doing the new-school-blend-in thing.

  • Veronica: You never played Little League?

    Duncan: Oh. Well, Mom was afraid that a ball would hit me in the face, Dad was afraid it would interfere with mock U.N., and I was afraid I couldn't hit a curveball.

    Veronica: I'm afraid you're going to get love handles if you eat all that.

    Duncan: I have an excellent metabolism.

    Veronica: Well then, it's official: I hate you.

  • Dick: Hey. We're not takin' that stank-ass bus back to Neptune. My dad's sending a limo. Would you and your girlfriend — whose quick wit I find enchanting — like to take a trip back in style? Miss Dumbass said it was cool.

    Duncan: Hell yeah.

    Veronica: ...Fine.

    Dick: Cool.

    Veronica: I feel dirty.

    Duncan: "Dirty" one "r," or two "r"'s?

  • Duncan: You don't owe her anything. You didn't do anything to her.

    Veronica: You are so not a girl.

  • Veronica: Excuse me, Mr. Cook?

    Terrence Cook: Yes ma'am?

    Veronica: I just wanted to say you are my dad's favorite baseball player, ever. He keeps your rookie card vacuum-sealed inside a safe.

    Terrence: Well that is an honor. Tell him thanks for me.

    Veronica: When my dad finds out about this, he's not gonna let me wash this hand.

  • Terrence: So who's your favorite player?

    Veronica: Um...

    Duncan: Tell him. Be honest.

    Terrence: It's Johnny Damon, isn't it?

    Veronica: He's so pretty.

  • Weevil: What are you doin' here, huh? Shouldn't you be running for homecoming queen or something?

    Veronica: I'm safe standing here, right? I mean, you're not going to shoot me, are you?


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