1.17 "Kanes and Abel's"
Aired Apr 05, 2005
Wiedman: I'm looking for Amelia DeLongpre.
Roommate: Um, I'm sorry, she left about five minutes ago with some friend of hers.
Wiedman: Could you describe this friend?
Roommate: Tiny, blonde, cute as a bug.
Veronica: Not exactly the Ritz, but hopefully you'll only be here for a couple of days.
Amelia: Exams are next week. One dank room is as good as the next.
Veronica Voiceover: As if I didn't have enough stress in my life, today marks the beginning of that orgy of tension known as midterms.
Sabrina: Veronica? I heard this was...kind of like your office. I need your help.
Veronica: A little club soda on the sleeves?
Sabrina: I hear that you do things.
Veronica: Caz, I'm kind of busy, so let's play this in fast forward. I ask you to stop harassing Sabrina Fuller, you deny it, I eventually catch you, you're suspended, dropped from basketball, and made the subject of a news blurb that everyone chuckles at in the paper. So stop harassing Sabrina, okay?
Caz: Look, I'm not harassing Sabrina.
Veronica: Caz! Did you listen?
Caz: I would leap off the roof of that school if she asked me, you know.
Veronica: Very caring gesture.
Veronica Voiceover: Why is it that the Cazes of the world are forever in transit between romantic failure and the gym?
Keith: You want me to find a call girl for your husband?
Woman: Yes. He likes blondes.
Keith: Look, I don't know if you were looking for "pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at "P.I."...
Veronica: Is this movie pay-per-view?
Veronica: Hello? Yes, this is Miss Sabrina. Bad boy? Well... Nestor Greely of Encinitas. Twenty grand on credit cards, two divorces, and a repo'd Sebring. You have been a bad boy! Miss Sabrina commands you: put your pants back on and get a job!
Veronica: Hello, Truman.
Caz: Baby, it's not me! I'm innocent!
Veronica: Caz, you were lurking. The innocent rarely lurk.
Caz: Sabrina, I would never hurt you. You know, if you asked, I would jump off the roof?
Sabrina: Can I get you to stop that?
Veronica: Ask him to jump.
Stoner: Let's get this party started! WOO!
Veronica: You're in the wrong place.
Stoner: Have you considered that maybe you're in the wrong place?
Vinnie: Miss Mars.
Veronica: Mister Van Lowe.
Vinnie: I, uh, hope you're not thinking of dying that hair because when you come work for me, you'll find that straying husbands are most likely to chase skinny blondes. No, I'm kidding, of course. They'll chase anything. But seriously, don't dye that hair.
Keith: No hair advice for me, Vinnie?
Vinnie: Actually, Keith, I was just coming by to say thanks. You know, uh, once you set up shop here, I got a little nervous, um, a former detective, sheriff, uh, law enforcement machine, hitting the Neptune P.I. scene, working the whole B-movie, back alley vibe. Clients love that. I thought I was toast, but here we are, sending each other referrals.
Keith: Referrals? Did I send you...
Vinnie: Redhead with the husband problem.
Keith: Ah, right. I wasn't actually referring so much as warning.
Celeste: Lilly, she can not come back here. Ever.
Lilly: Chill out, Mommie dearest. That's no way to treat your stepdaughter. I think Duncan might have already slipped Veronica a bit too much of the old Kane hospitality.
Jake: You were having sex with my daughter?
Weevil: Not right now.
Lilly: My God, worst party ever. What are you doing at Nerdfest?
Keith: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you knock. I must have been in the shower.
Keith: Guess who stopped by today?
Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I am gonna to be so bummed.
Keith: Clarence Weidman. He's the head of security for Kane Software. And for an hour after he left, I sat here wondering: what did I stumble on that has them so rattled that they'd send over their top guy? I wasn't sure what it was, but I was proud. Clearly, I was making them nervous. Then it occurred to me: I didn't stumble on anything. I haven't touched the case in months. Nope, I'm not scaring the Kanes. My seventeen year-old daughter is.
Veronica Voiceover: I'm not an expert on the male mind, so maybe someday someone can tell me what it is about chrome, glass, and fake black leather that are supposed to represent masculinity.
Veronica: I was hoping maybe you could tell me who hired you to harass Sabrina Fuller.
Vinnie: Sabrina Fuller. Doesn't ring a bell. I don't believe I know such a person.
Veronica: See, I think that you do. Either that or your ex-wife really hates academic achievers.
Vinnie: My ex-wife Brenda?
Veronica: And you...you have a little something on your face.
Vinnie: Potato chip?
[Veronica rips off Vinnie's moustache]
Vinnie: That is not cool.
Veronica: What are you gonna do now?
Hamilton: You know. Work two jobs, take out loans, state school. Twenty years from now, she'll be working for me.
Veronica: And Oxford?
Hamilton: Proust is still Proust. Even at UCLA.
Veronica Voiceover: Life is fundamentally unfair. It takes real talent to make unfair seem cool.
Lilly: You're blocking my sun.